Her Secret Heart
by sadclown18
Summary: J.J. Has always been one to focus on the job and nothing else. So what happens when the young agents life is so disrupted by a case that she has no choice but to share her secret world with the team? rated M for drugs, prostitution, child abuse, and more.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one:

Disclaimer- I own neither Higher Ground or Criminal Minds.

A/N- This is my very first cross-over and responds are very welcome, in fact they make my day so please press that little button, leave a comment, and make me smile. Also this story is set sometime after season two but has no real place in the timeline of the series on either show.

Enjoy!

Seattle, Washington

"Hey honey you lookin' for a good time?" A thin blonde smiled wickedly as she leaned into the open passenger window.

The man in the front seat nodded and opened the door, rolling up the automatic window as she got in the car.

"Money up front Sugar," The blonde smiled into his ear, putting one hand seductively on his shoulder.

The driver nodded as he leaned away from her turning up the radio, covering up the sound of the locking door.

"I know the perfect place," He whispered hoarsely as he put the car in drive.

"I'm sure you do," The girl said completely unaware of the danger she was in.

Quantico, Virginia

"We're meeting," Agent Jennifer Jareau popped her head into Agent Aaron Hotchner's office.

"Thanks J.J.," He said looking up from his papers to the smiling blonde that hung half inside his office, half in the hallway.

J.J. simply nodded and headed down the hall letting her smile slip only when she was alone in the conference room.

"I'm being punished," J.J. whispered to herself as she finished making everything perfect for the meeting.

"Who's being punished?" Dr. Spencer Reid asked as he took his normal seat.

She stopped and looked at the young doctor for a moment, "Who's being punished?" J.J. asked, slightly frustrated that she'd been over heard.

"I thought you just said… never mind," Reid said pushing his dirty blonde hair behind his ears, the curls at the end out of control as usual.

"Somebody please explain why I am up this early on a Monday," Agent Derek Morgan complained as he plopped in the seat next to Reid followed by Agent Emily Prentiss, Agent David Rossi, and finally Agent Hotchner.

"Long night Morgan?" Reid asked jokingly as he sat his messenger bag on the floor next to his chair.

"You know it, boy genius," Morgan said as a sly smile crossed his face, "Young, blonde, perfect…"

"J.J. you had something for us?" Hotch said coolly interrupting Morgan's day dream of his Sunday date.

J.J. stood nervously at the front of the table next to the board, which had six pictures on it.

"I got a cal last night from the Seattle Police Department," She stated answering Morgan's question, "In the past three weeks six women have been killed, two woman a week. Each worked a different part of the city, each was a petite blonde with blue eyes, and each body was found in the same condition."

J.J. pointed to the first picture on the board, it was a thin blonde lying naked in a pool of blood, arms spread with a teddy bear lying near her chest and the letters, T.G.T, carved into her stomach. The other five were found the same only with the letters, W.T.W, T.A., T.L., and E.T.C., carved into their stomachs.

"They were raped, carved into, and then had their throats slashed," J.J. said instantly sick to her stomach wishing she had left this case alone.

"They were carved first?" Prentiss asked with a sickened look on her face.

"That's what the medical examiner's report says," J.J. said stiffly.

"Any other link between the victims besides their physical appearance?" Reid asked noticing how much each dead girl looked like J.J.

"Just their occupation," J.J. said as calmly as she could realizing she was in a room surrounded by profilers, "They were all street workers."

"Prostitutes?" Morgan half shouted half asked, "Prostitutes couldn't wait until eight this morning?"

"I guess not Morgan," J.J. huffed in frustration, "It's not like they're people too."

"Ok I guess we're heading to Seattle," Hotch said ignoring the obvious irritation in J.J., "Wheels up in thirty."

As quickly as the meeting began it was over and each member went to his or her respected desk or office to prepare, except J.J. She couldn't move, she just stared at the photos each reminding her of someone she had known a long time ago, someone she hoped she'd never see again.

"You coming J.J.?" Reid popped his head back into the conference room, "Hello earth to J.J.?"

"Yeah sorry," J.J. smiled weakly and headed towards her office without waiting for him to ask her what was wrong.

"Anyone notice something weird with J.J. this morning?" Reid asked as he started riffling through his desk in the bullpen.

"Besides waking us up for something that could have waited, Boy Genius," Morgan said obviously irritated as he grabbed his cream colored carry on which clashed against his mocha skin.

"No Reid's right," Prentiss said as she pulled her jet black hair into a ponytail, "Every time we have a case in the Washington area she gets weird."

"I wonder what that's about," Reid thought out loud.

"I have no clue," Morgan answered a little less irritated than he was a minute ago, "J.J. keeps her business her own."

With that the three agents headed towards the jet, each left thinking of blondes.

Six dead prostitutes.

One sleepless night with a co-ed.

One secretive F.B.I. agent.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two:

A/N- See disclaimer at the beginning of story. This chapter is kind of a filler and a set up though I hope you enjoy it all the same. Also all thoughts and locations are in italics. Enjoy!

Quantico, Virginia

The team quickly took their seats on the plane and prepared for the customary brief before the jet took off.

"Ok, we've got a long flight ahead of us," Hotch started as the team settled, "I want to hit the ground running on this, Reid I want you on victimology, Morgan and Prentiss I want you to visit the medical examiner, Rossi, you and I will take a look at the crime scenes again see what we can get," Hotch paused for a moment trying to think of who would be the best to send onto the streets, "J.J. I want you to get a press conference together, and I need someone to go out on the streets and talk to the working girls."

"I'll do it," J.J. said without thinking.

"Ha!" Morgan laughed before composing himself, "I'll go."

"I said I would go," J.J. repeated in a firmer tone, "I have more skills than just talking with the media."

"Ok Reid you go with J.J.," Hotch said hesitantly surprised by J.J.'s forcefulness, "That's all for now."

With that the team dispersed to their normal positions except J.J. who made sure she took the seat farthest away from the rest of the team. She knew she was acting strange and knew that the rest of the team would have something to say about it, something she just didn't feel like hearing.

"You're doing a bang up job of pissing her off Morgan," Prentiss joked as she flipped through the case file on her lap.

"She started off in a bad mood," Morgan said as he laid his head down trying to catch up on the sleep he had missed the night before.

"She's stressed out about something," Reid said looking over at J.J. who appeared to be listening to music, "She kept tapping her pencil, she's irritated, she's…"

"One of us," Hotch said softly from the seat diagonal to where the three younger profilers were sitting, "She'll let us know what's bothering her when she's ready."

J.J. sat with her back to the rest of the group and put headphones on just to make sure they understood she wanted to be left alone. The young agent could feel herself pulling away from everything that she had spent so long building, she knew that if she wasn't careful she would be right back where she started, alone and angry. J.J. pulled up on a small chain that sat delicately around her neck, reveling an antique locket, which she quickly opened and closed again daring to only steal a glimpse of the pictures inside.

_I wish I could see you again… I wish I could see who you've become. _J.J. thought to herself as she caressed the letters engraved on the back of her favorite necklace, and let her mind wonder to places and people she knew were better off as a distant dream.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three:

A/N- Disclaimer is in chapter one and anything in italics are thoughts, text messages, or locations. Please enjoy and please respond, it really does make my day. Enjoy!

Seattle, Washington

The team quickly made their way from the airport to the police station eager to get started.

"Detective Lutts, I'm SSA Jennifer Jareau," J.J. smiled as she extended her hand to the middle-aged detective, "We spoke on the phone and this is SSA Hotchner, SSA Prentiss, Dr. Spencer Reid, SSA Rossi, and SSA Morgan."

"I'm glad you're here," He said warmly before walking them over to their work room, "Everything we have is right here, though so far we haven't come up with much of anything yet."

"Detective I'm going to need you to take Rossi and myself to the last crime scene," Hotch said quickly not wanting to waste time with pleasantries, "J.J., Reid find out what you can as quickly as possible and then get back here and start going through this."

Both nodded and headed out into the parking garage.

"We should hit 2nd St, and then Wall St," J.J. said matter of factly as she got into one of the SUVs the police department were letting them use.

"Ok?" Reid said as he opened the map on the dash trying to locate the streets on the map, "You're going to want to take a left…"

"Put the map away," J.J. said as sweetly as possible, "If traffic is good we'll be there in a few."

"So you know Seattle?" Reid asked nonchalantly hoping to seem less curious than he was.

J.J. simply nodded not even bothering to look over at her friend.

Reid took her silence as a hint not to pry and simply sat quietly until they arrived at 2nd Street a little while later.

"Just let me do the talking," J.J. said firmly though she was nervous as all get out, she hadn't talked to anyone from the streets in years and wasn't sure if she still spoke their language.

Reid nodded curious as to how J.J. who usually spent most of her time in the office or in the various police departments would relate to prostitutes.

J.J. took a deep breath and walked to the first group of hookers she saw.

"Hey ladies," She said smoothly charm oozing off of her, "You working?"

"What's it to ya?" An older black woman asked harshly, looking briefly back at the two younger girls behind her.

"Just curious I guess," J.J. said with an attitude and tone Reid had never heard or seen her use before, "Can you ladies answer a few questions for us?"

"You from vice?" One of the younger girls piped up her eyes giving away how the street could age someone.

"What's your name?" J.J. asked the older prostitute.

"They call me Mama," She said putting one hand on her hip.

"Well, Mama you and I both know that if we were from vice, you'd either be on your way to the station or my friend would be 'working things out' with you in the back of our car," J.J. smirked though she was all too aware that things like that happened more often than one would like to imagine.

"What do you want?" Mama asked with just as much attitude as J.J. had.

"Do you know any of these girls?" Reid asked showing them the book with the dead girls pictures in it.

"That's Blossom," Mama spoke up pointing to the girl in the middle, "She works a ways down the strip, closer to the shelter."

"Did you see her last trick?" J.J. asked hoping one of them would be able to give a description of the unsub.

They all shook their heads in unison.

"Have you ladies seen anyone suspicious around or anyone hassling any of the girls who work this stretch?" J.J. asked the edge in her voice softening.

"Everyone hassles us," One of the younger girls spoke up twirling her side ponytail in her fingers.

"I know," J.J. said with compassion almost forgetting Reid was right there next to her.

"Killer Trick?" Mama asked taking another look at the book.

"Yeah, there's a Mad John prowling, so I need your ladies to warn all the working girls you can. I know you can't take care of everyone but if you see any orphans or settled girls try and warn them to watch their backs," J.J. said seriously hoping her slang was still current.

"I ain't gonna mess with a pimped girl but we'll talk to the orphans," Mama stared at J.J. intensely sure she had seen her somewhere before.

"Hey they all kinda look like Sapphire," One of the younger prostitutes said looking at the pictures again.

"Sapphire?" J.J. asked genuinely curious.

"Yeah she works the next corner, her and her girls work early morning and right before sunset," Mama said just as her mind connected the dots, "You know Sapphire."

"Me?" J.J. asked suddenly getting visibly nervous.

"I couldn't remember where I'd seen you before till now," Mama started with a smirk on her face, "Your Sapphire's sister Silver."

J.J. froze mentally wishing Reid away as she thought of a lie.

"Your sister used to show us the picture of the two of you in this locket she wore all the time," Mama smiled remembering how excited the young prostitute would get, "She used to say that when she found you the Merrick sisters would be unstoppable."

"Mama I'm a federal agent just trying to do my job," J.J. said as smoothly as she could as she ran a hand through her shoulder length blonde hair, "Thanks for your help." J.J. motioned for Reid to follow her as quickly as possible.

Reid quickly took the book back and hand each woman a card to call just incase they saw anything.

"I'll let her know you were here Silver," Mama called as the two climbed back into the black SUV.

"Orphan?" Reid asked as they settled into the car.

"It's a girl who doesn't run with a group or have a pimp," J.J. said in a distracted tone her mind on what Mama had said about the prostitute name Sapphire. _There's no way she would do this._ J.J. thought to herself.

J.J. sat behind the drivers seat quietly thinking of a lie though in all honesty she was unsure of what to say, "Reid…"

Just as he was about to answer his cell phone rang freeing them both from an awkward moment.

"Hey Hotch," Reid put the small cell phone up to his ear, "No we didn't get much… Just that J.J. speaks hooker like it's a second language."

J.J. swatted him firmly on the arm making him mouth 'oww'.

"Ok… Ok we're a few streets away… we're on our way," With that Reid hung up and looked over at J.J. "They found another body, in an abandoned restaurant on Wall Street."

"On it," J.J. stated as she pulled off the street and headed towards the newest crime scene.

As J.J. was driving Reid texted the teams Tech Wizard Penelope Garcia.

_Garcia I need you to look up Silver Merrick, Seattle, Washington, age 18-25 at the time of her arrest fax the info to the station with specific instructions to be given to me… Reid._

He knew it was probably silly but the way J.J. had been acting along with the accusation 'Mama' had made got him thinking, which made him curious. Out of all of the team members J.J. was the only one with secrets left, secrets he was sure were trying to set themselves free.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

A/N- Disclaimer is in chapter one. Please let me know what you're thinking! Enjoy!

Seattle, Washington

"What do we have?" Reid asked as he and J.J. passed the yellow tape each putting on gloves.

"Same type of victim as before, hooker, blonde hair blue eyes, raped, cut, and dumped," Morgan said looking down at the camera in his hands.

"Did you find a bag or large purse?" J.J. asked walking towards the petite blonde in a sort of daze, remembering the last time she had been this close to a dead prostitute. She looked at the body briefly and shuddered, thankful at the moment that the girl's face was turned the other way and she didn't have to look into her sad eyes just yet.

"No," Hotch said in his normal cool tone, "Should we have?"

"You always carry a bag," J.J. said crouching down next to the body examining her hands, though it seemed that she was talking more to herself than anyone else, "Always keep your I.D. fake or real on you, extra clothes, make up, condoms, and whatever your rolling on."

"There should be a bag," Reid said softly to himself curious like the others were how J.J. knew all these things.

"Whoever killed these women lives in their world," J.J. said without a doubt in her mind, though she was still fixated on the girl's hand.

"How do you figure? He could have taken it as a trophy or to get high," Rossi stated watching her examine that hand over and over again.

"No," J.J. said finally looking up, "Most prostitutes are runaways, they don't want to be found, when one you care about dies you take their money, ID, drugs, anything that could identify them. It's a sign of respect, they didn't want to be found while they were alive and they really don't want to be found as a dead hooker."

"It makes sense," Reid said surprised again by just how in tune J.J. was with this case.

"Since when are you are resident vice expert?" Morgan asked jokingly.

J.J. stood up and walked around to the other side of the body, "I told you I know more than just how to set up a good press…" J.J. stopped unable to breathe as she looked into the girl's face.

"What were you a hooker in a previous life J.J.?" Morgan joked not noticing how quiet J.J. had suddenly become.

"Oh no," J.J. whispered trying to keep her self from picking up the body and hugging it.

"Anything down there?" Hotch asked coming behind a crouching J.J.

J.J. didn't say anything for a minute making Hotch worried.

"J.J.?" He asked looking past her and into the face of the dead girl who he couldn't help but think looked exactly like J.J.

"I was supposed to protect her," J.J. said just loud enough for Hotch to hear her.

"J.J. what are you talking about?" He asked noticing how she was gently brushing hair out of the girls face, "J.J. what are you doing?"

"I was supposed to keep her safe Hotch," J.J. looked up at him tears threatening to escape her eyes.

"Who?" He asked as the rest of the team circled the body watching J.J. closely.

"Jess," She said weakly her stomach turning and burning as she spoke.

"Who is Jess?" He asked extending a hand to help her up, which she refused.

"She is," J.J. said a little louder, shame and guilt clear in her voice.

"You know her?" Prentiss asked unsure of what was going on.

"Jessica Anne Merrick," J.J. looked back down at the broken girl searching for something, "He stole her necklace."

"What are you talking about? Who is Jessica Anne Merrick?" Morgan asked in an annoyed tone not noticing how fragile J.J. had suddenly become.

"She's my baby sister," She said softly the tears starting to run down her face.

In that moment she couldn't help but be weak and for the fist time in her life she didn't care that everyone else could see her weakness too.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

A/N- Disclaimer hasn't moved I promise. Picks up right where the last chapter left off. Also I don't want to make a fuss but this is my very first criminal minds related story and I really would like to know what you guys are thinking. Pretty please with sugar on top respond, I promise you it makes my day!

Seattle, Washington

The rest of the team stood in shock for a minute none of them sure what to believe or what to say. J.J. could feel every eye on her yet she refused to turn her attention away from the body; she refused to be the first to break the silence.

"J.J. your sister is dead," Reid said confusion clear in his voice.

"Thank you, Spence, because I can't see that for my self," J.J. said bitterly as she eased herself up afraid she might fall.

"No I mean your sister died when you were eleven," Reid said remembering the story she had told him about her older sister Shelby committing suicide.

"No," She said as her guilt quickly turned into shame and anger, which was clear in her voice, "She's gone, and that bastard killed her."

"J.J. we should go back to the station and sit down," Hotch said putting an arm around J.J., which she shrugged off.

"I'm not leaving her again," She said looking down disgusted with not only herself but the monster that had hurt someone she loved, "She hates being alone… she gets so scared."

"J.J. we need to let the medical examiners through," Morgan said gently not sure if she was telling the truth or having some sort of psychotic or nervous break.

J.J. nodded and took a few steps back remembering her training, remembering that she was an F.B.I. agent now no matter how far into the past this was taking her.

The medical examiner and his assistant crouched down by the body and began poking and prodding it.

J.J. got visibly upset each time they touched the small cold blonde.

"Get your hands off of her," She finally screamed and lunged at the medical examiner as he jammed a thermometer into the dead girls stomach, "Don't touch her!"

Luckily for the aged examiner Hotch was standing right behind J.J. and had contained her before she had a chance to hurt him.

"Let's go now!" He ordered hauling the kicking blonde away, the rest of the team behind him.

"J.J. calm down!" Hotch yelled having some difficulty hauling her outside on his own.

"What is up with you?" Morgan asked once they were outside.

"My sister is dead and they're treating her like she doesn't matter, like she's some…" J.J. stopped afraid of the words.

"Hooker?" Morgan asked not afraid to be the bad guy, "J.J. your sister has been dead for years and both your parents, that's what you told us."

"I lied!" J.J. screamed struggling to get free of Hotch's grip, "She's dead and it's my fault."

"Let's get back to the station," Hotch ordered motioning for Morgan to open the door to one of the SUVs, "We'll sort this mess out there."

J.J. tried as hard as she could to calm down understanding that the more angry she got and the more she acted out the less likely it was for the team to believe her. After several moments she settled and sat as quietly as she could next to Reid in the back seat of the SUV, her mind flooding with memories of her sister, as they rode back to the police station.

J.J. took off her necklace and began rubbing the back over and over wishing that somehow she could take it all back.

"Ok what's going on?" Hotch asked as they all took a seat at the large table in the conference room.

"My sister is dead Hotch," J.J. started tiredly.

"J.J. your file says you had one older sister who committed suicide when you were eleven and that both your parents died in a car accident when you were nineteen," Hotch said softly trying to make her understand.

"My file is a lie," J.J, said softly as she opened the locket on her necklace, "J.J. is a lie."

She looked at the smiling girls in the pictures for a moment before she handed the necklace to Hotch, "That's Jess and I when we were little and that's us during my senior year of high school."

Hotch starred at the picture trying hard to keep his jaw from dropping, after awhile he passed the necklace on to Morgan who was sitting next to him, "You need to start explaining. Now!"

J.J. held back her tears as best she could as she tried to think of where to start and what to tell them. She knew she couldn't tell them everything, that they would hate her if they knew everything that is if they didn't hate her already.

"Shelby," J.J. said softly hating that she had to go back down the road she had worked so hard to get away from.

"Your sister who committed suicide?" Reid said with a large question mark clear in his voice and on his face.

"No, My name was Shelby… Merrick, I was Shelby Merrick before I was J.J.. I was born in Seattle and was raised a ways outside of the city," She said before breaking off into another thought, "I need to call Horizon, Peter and Sophie are gonna be devastated."

"Are they your parents?" Prentiss asked placing a comforting hand on J.J.'s.

"Damn it! I have to go see that bitch," J.J. said bitterly, her thinking all over the place, "I need to start making arrangements."

"All you need to do right now is tell us what is going on," Hotch said again placing a sympathetic hand on her shoulder worried not only for her loss but also her sanity.

"What's there to say? I was supposed to take care of her and now she's dead," J.J. said in frustration.

"How did you become Jennifer Jareau? Why did you lie to us?" Rossi asked remembering he still had her necklace. He looked down at the two pictures quickly before handing the necklace off to Reid.

"I had to lie," She said softly feeling even more ashamed of herself, "I wanted to bring her with me, but I couldn't… I left so she could have a chance at a normal life."

They all sat in silence for a moment before J.J. took a deep breath and started again, "I wasn't a good kid, I ran away a lot and I got sent to a special school for screw ups. My real dad knew some powerful people in the Bureau and he got me a new identity, gave me some money, enough to live off of for awhile and to pay for college."

"What happened that you needed a new identity?" Reid asked not even looking up from the necklace, he was amazed at how similar the two girls looked, especially in the eyes.

"Jess was hurt when we were younger and it was my fault, neither one of us could move on, every time she saw me all she could do was remember him," J.J. stopped talking as soon as she realized how close she was to giving them a reason to hate her.

"Him?" Morgan asked looking at his hands, from his experience it was bad to mention someone as him instead of by their real name.

"I need to start making arrangements," J.J. said instead of answering Morgan's question.

"J.J. … Shelby," Hotch started before the small blonde interrupted him.

"Don't call me that Hotch," She said with hurt clear in her voice.

"J.J. I need you to go over your sisters personality profile with Reid, make an official ID of the body, after your done with that Reid will help you take care of what you need to for your sister," Hotch said as sweetly as he could for being as reserved as he was, "But understand that the next time we talk about this we all expect more answers."

J.J. simply nodded her head praying that somehow she could sweep her past back under the rug, though she knew it was impossible.

"J.J. what does this stand for?" Reid asked holding up the necklace, "W.T.S.W.E.?"

"Where The Side Walk Ends," J.J. said tenderly remembering her eleventh birthday, "Jess had it engraved for my eleventh birthday, it's my favorite poem, our mom used to read it to me every night when I was really little," J.J. thought for a moment before bitterly adding, "Before that bitch stopped caring that she was a mother."

J.J. stood up slowly reaching across the table for her necklace, "Can I hang on to this for just a little while," Reid asked thoughtfully.

J.J. simply nodded and headed out the door to find a phone, obviously worn-out.

"What are you thinking?" Hotch asked as soon as J.J. was out of the room.

"Well," Reid started as he got up from his chair and pinned the crime scene photos Morgan had taken to the board with the rest of their victims, "Each victim has letters carved into their stomach, like the letters on the back of J.J.'s necklace. I think these stand for titles of children's books."

"T.G.T., W.T., W.T.A., T.L., E.T.C. and now C.W.," Prentiss pondered out loud as the rest of the team stared at the photos of J.J.'s little sister and the other six unfortunate girls.

"She was right about the unsub having to be a part or has been apart of the street world," Morgan said in spite of himself, "The question is where does he fit in?"

"A boyfriend?" Rossi threw out for the group to consider.

"A son," Reid said staring at the small brown teddy bears snuggled next to the bodies. The teddy bear next to Jess seemed to smile up at Reid, only his tiny glass eyes reflecting the evil's committed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

**A/N- If anyone has any questions just leave a comment when you respond. Also I thought it might be obvious that she couldn't work this case due to her sister being one of the victims so I didn't mention it in the story. Enjoy! Again please respond, having only two reviews makes me sad. Though I do appreciate those two reviews.  
**

_Seattle, Washington_

J.J. sat silently in front of the phone trying to keep herself together, trying to decide who she needed to call first. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting motionless in front of the phone when Reid came in.

"How did it go?" He asked awkwardly taking the seat next to her.

"I haven't called anyone yet," She replied honestly, "I haven't been part of this world for over nine years Spence… I don't know what to say."

"The truth is usually helpful," He smiled handing her the necklace.

J.J. took a deep breath and picked up the phone the right numbers flowing directly from the back of her mind to her fingers.

"This is special agent Jennifer Jareau with the F.B.I," She said when a familiar voice answered on the third ring, "No Sophie this isn't a joke… Sophie it's me… No it's Shelby… No Sophie calm down … I know… No, no one's called me Shel in a very long time… It's ok I don't mind, Sophie don't cry… Sophie please calm down, I need to talk to Peter can you put him on?" J.J. sat for a moment before taking Reid's hand without thinking. "Peter?… Yeah it's me… Yeah it's good to hear your voice too… I'm with the F.B.I now… I know it's a drastic change… That's not why I called though… It's Jess… Yeah this morning… You don't sound surprised… I'm gonna take care of everything, but I was wondering … Exactly my thoughts… It seemed like what she would want… No I'm going to go tell her as soon as I finish a few things at the station… Would it be alright if my team came I could really use…Me too but you're still family … No I never forgot… Not much… There's just too much to say… Can we talk about that later? … I love you and Sophie too … I'll see you tonight… Bye."

J.J. couldn't control her tears any longer, as soon as she hung up the phone they just began against her will.

"It's ok, shhhh," Reid comforted pulling her into a hug.

"We have to get things done, there's just so much to do, the unsub, arrangements, telling that bitch," J.J. cried feeling more overwhelmed by the second, "They have to catch him.

"Let's worry about one thing at a time," Reid comforted unsure of what else to say, "Just trust us J.J. we'll catch him, I promise."

By noon J.J. had finished the ID and the paperwork that went with that and was slowly finishing up her sister's personality assessment and victimology for the case.

"I hadn't seen her in over nine years Spence," J.J. huffed frustrated by how much had gone wrong since she left.

"Just one more time," He said apologetically aware of how emotionally drained his friend already was.

"Jess had some problems but she was a good kid," She hissed inwardly thinking of the man at the root of their 'problems', "She didn't really like herself, she was shy and smart, but she was a follower, she was always trying to prove herself, and she hated being alone. She was beautiful and gentle… but that's all I have."

"Ok," Reid smiled, "Let's go meet with the team real quick and then we can head out."

J.J. nodded and followed Reid back over into the conference room.

"Here's the victimology for all seven girls," He said as he handed a manila folder over to Hotch who was staring at the board, "Has Garcia gotten back to you with the titles yet?"

"Not yet," He said not paying attention to J.J. who was moving closer to the board, "We need to know what books he means so we can know what message he's trying to send."

"T.G.T.?" J.J. mused out loud, "The Giving Tree?"

"What?" Hotch asked looking over at the disheveled agent who was now gently caressing the first picture on the board.

"The Giving Tree, it's a book by Shel Silverstein I used to read it to her before bed every night, it was Jess's favorite when she was little," J.J. said pushing back the tears she could feel trying to invade her eyes.

"Their hands," Reid said out of nowhere, "J.J. can you move?"

As she moved Reid took each picture in order of death and placed them right next to each other before taking a step back.

"Their holding hands?" Morgan asked in utter confusion.

"Like paper dolls," Prentiss spoke up as she moved to see the board better.

"Exactly!" Reid said a little more excited than the rest, "He's sending us a message."

"What exactly?" Prentiss asked in frustration.

"Whatever it is innocence is at the root of it, though I'm sure we'll know more as soon we get those other book titles," Reid said as J.J. took another step closer to the board, this time her hand landing on her sister's picture.

"I'm going up to Mount Horizon about six hours north of here to prepare for the funeral, Peter and Sophie are going to help me get things ready," J.J. said holding the tears she wanted desperately to cry back, she knew she had to be strong now, "I know you all have mixed feelings about me right now but I could really use your support, I'm not really good at asking for it I know ... I just, I just hope you'll all come up. I know your sending Reid with me to make sure I don't lose it, but I would really like for you to come… besides Horizon you guys are the only home and family I've ever known."

"We'll be there J.J.," Hotch smiled placing a comforting hand on the young liaison's shoulder, "But first we have to catch this bastard."

"Thanks Hotch," She smiled as strongly as she could before making her way towards the door refusing to look at any of her other team members.

"She's trying to hide it but she is clearly falling apart," Morgan said thoughtfully as soon as J.J. and Reid were out of the room.

"I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm," Hotch replied turning his attention back to the board.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

**A/N- I know things are going slow right now but if you just stick with me I promise things will pick up! Enjoy! I also want to thank everyone who as either reviewed or added my story. I ask that you keep reviewing and I promise to keep writing.**

_Monroe, Washington_

"Are you sure you should be driving right now?" Reid asked drumming on the folder that held the info Garcia had sent him on Silver Merrick. He hadn't opened it yet, he wasn't sure it was his place though from Garcia's text he knew whatever was inside was directly related to J.J.

_Ask and you shall receive Sweet Cheeks… This Silver chick looks a lot like J.J… Weird right? …Garcia._

"I'm fine to drive," J.J. said clutching down on the steering wheel as if she intended to break it, "We're almost there."

Reid sat nervously and watched out the window until they pulled into a small driveway. The house was a sad faded white color and leaned slightly to the right as if staring in curiosity at an odd painting of some sort.

"Home sweet home," J.J. said sarcastically as she and Reid got out of the SUV and headed up the driveway.

J.J. put her sunglasses on though the sun was slightly hidden and knocked firmly on the door and waited as she heard banging around before a woman answered.

"Mrs. Blaine?" J.J. asked holding up her credentials.

"Can I help you?" The older woman asked tying her bathrobe tightly around her thin waist.

"Can we come in m'am?" Reid asked worried about how J.J. was going to handle the reunion with what he assumed to be her mother.

"I suppose, what's this all about?" She asked opening the door and leading the two into the small living room.

J.J. froze for a moment the memories of the last time she was in that house flooding back to her. The knives scattered on the kitchen floor, her sister crying up stairs, a monster sitting helplessly in his recliner, and the sound of sirens growing closer.

Reid nudged her gently on the arm and the two continued to follow the sad faced woman into a room with a TV and shag carpeting.

"Fine," J.J. said to herself taking off her sunglasses and staring at her hands for a good moment still unsure of how to tell the woman that had both earned her hate and had given her life, that her favorite daughter was dead.

"Mrs. Blaine we have some bad news…" Reid trailed off uncertain if he should be the one to tell her.

"Walt I think you should get in here," Mrs. Blaine shouted loudly as she lit a cigarette.

"Just a sec," A man called from the kitchen.

J.J. automatically tensed at his voice, the voice she had tried to erase from her memory for almost a decade. She heard his footsteps as he walked into the living room but refused to lift her head.

"Walt these F.B.I. agents said they have some bad news," She said placing her hand inside of his.

"Ok," Walt said looking at both of the people in front of them thinking to himself that both looked a little young to be F.B.I. agents, "What's going on?"

"Jess is dead," J.J. blurted out before Reid could think of something to say, "We found her this morning, she was, murdered."

"Excuse me?" Mrs. Blaine asked in an irritated tone.

J.J. looked up from her hands and opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Walt, "Kitten?"

"Don't call me that," She spat bitterly looking up at her mother and the man she hated.

"Shelby?" Mrs. Blaine asked leaning closer to the young blonde agent, "I thought you were dead."

"That was the point mom," J.J. said with more anger in her voice than Reid had ever heard.

"Jess is dead?" Walt asked ignoring the mounting tension between the two women.

"Yes, I'm very sorry for your loss sir," Reid said noticing the guilt in the older man's voice.

"Good," Mrs. Blaine said anger and resentment dripping from her tongue.

"Love…" Walt started before he was cut off by a very angry J.J..

"Are you serious?" J.J. shouted, "Giving birth was enough? After that we're on our own!"

"I gave you what I could you little parasite," J.J.'s mother spat looking as if she might punch someone.

"When's the last time you saw Jess?" Reid asked ignoring her mother's last statement hoping he might be able to get both women to focus.

"When she graduated from that freak school," She said forcefully staring at J.J., "After all those lies you put in her head she didn't want to come back here."

"I'm the liar?" J.J. stood up as if she were about to lunge at someone.

"CPS thought so," Mrs. Blaine said smugly, before she continued in an angry tone "That bitch turned my baby against me."

"I'm burying her up at Horizon this weekend, just so you know. Come on Reid," J.J. said standing up though still starring at her mother.

"Kitten, we can help," Walt said as he and Mrs. Blaine stood up.

"You've done enough," J.J. said before looking back at Reid hoping he understood how badly she wanted to get out of there.

"Let her do it Walt, it will be the only good thing she's ever done. You're a liar and a whore," Her mother screamed as her husband stood in-between the two women, "You think you're something now? Huh? You're as big a loser now as the day your daddy brought you back from the streets."

"I made something of my self," J.J. said smugly as she and Reid headed towards the front door, "That's more than you can say."

"Kitten wait," Walt shouted grabbing J.J.'s wrist.

Her skin burned when grabbed her causing J.J. to automatically reach for her gun and rip her wrist out of his hand, bringing her gun to a proper position, pointing it directly at his head, "You touch me again and I will arrest you for assaulting a federal agent."

"Kitten," Walt pleaded in the voice he used when she was younger, when they were 'close'.

"Let's go Reid," J.J. said turning around and pushing in front of him.

Once they were outside J.J. practically ran to the passenger side door.

"That was intense," Reid said starting the vehicle and putting it in reverse.

"Just drive," J.J said softly as she desperately tried to push the images of that house and every sin committed inside of it out of her mind.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight:

**A/N: I hope you like this chapter I think it's a good sort of filler and set up for the next few chapters. Let me know what you're thinking… please respond!!! **

**P.S. I decided to add that Reid was going after another Doctorate in Psychology because he's too smart and in tune with peoples minds not too.**

_On The Highway Two Hours North of Seattle, Washington_

For the past two hours J.J. and Reid had sat in almost complete silence with the exception of J.J. giving occasional directions. Once J.J. had calmed down the silence had been comfortable for both in the beginning but with two hours left in their journey Reid was starting to get antsy.

"I'm not used to being this quite," He said honestly looking over at his friend who was currently starring at her necklace again.

"I know," J.J. said softly, unsure of who she was supposed to be anymore.

"So are we not going to talk about this?" Reid asked unable to take the silence any longer.

"I'd rather not," J.J. said looking over at him for the first time in a couple hours.

"Fair enough I suppose," Reid smiled before looking back to the road, "So tell me about Mount Horizon and Peter and Sophie."

J.J. began to stare out of the window silently watching as the trees flew by and the small communities got farther and farther apart.

Reid sat for twenty minutes in silence waiting J.J. out. He knew her better than anyone at the BAU and knew she was hard headed but would eventually get tired of the silence.

"It's a sanctuary," She said as if she could read his mind.

"From what?" Reid asked genuinely curious.

"Life," J.J. laughed for the first time all day.

"What's so funny?" He asked looking over at his friend hoping to get a glimpse of her smile.

"I sound like Peter" J.J. laughed again out of both tiredness and truth.

"So it's a sanctuary what else?" Reid continued glad that she was talking.

"How do I break this down?" J.J. asked out loud though she was talking to herself.

They both sat in silence for a moment as J.J. figured out how to explain her time at Horizon without giving her secrets away.

"You get sent to Horizon when you mess up in the real world," She started before stopping to think of how to tell him about the closet thing she had to normal in her childhood. "It's a wilderness therapy school, so it's really safe there, Peter is like a human lie detector and can find drugs no matter where they're hidden," J.J. laughed remembering the numerous times she tried to get contraband into the school and got caught by Peter, "The man is secretly a bloodhound."

"So you and Peter were close?" Reid asked trying to get inside her head, now that he new she had kept a large part of herself hidden for so many years he couldn't help but be curious.

"Not like that," J.J. said firmly not wanting him to get the wrong idea about the people she cared about, "When you're a student at Horizon you get separated into small groups, my group was Peter's favorite even though he always tried to act like he didn't have favorites, him and Sophie we're the closest thing to good parents I had."

"And Sophie is?" Reid smiled glad to get to see J.J. remembering something good from what he assumed was an unhappy adolescents.

"Sophie was my group counselor," J.J. smiled thinking about the strong motherly blonde she had learned to love, even if it had taken awhile, "She and Peter fell in love and got married the summer before my senior year. They are so perfect for each other it's scary."

"That's amazing," Reid smiled, though inside he was scared he might never find someone who was so perfect for him it was scary, "So what group were you in? What sort of things did you do?"

"I was a proud member of the Cliffhangers group," She laughed looking over at the odd face Reid was making, "Hey at least I wasn't a Ridge Runner or Sun Dog," J.J. thought for a moment suddenly filled with guilt, "Jess was a Wind Dancer."

Reid returned his focus to driving wondering how he could keep J.J. talking, "So what kind of things do you do at a wilderness therapy school, I mean I've read tons of research on the subject, and statistically they do seem to be valid, and have a high success rate, though that is subjective and it could be argued…"

"Reid!" J.J. interrupted his typical drawn out speech on one of the many things he's done research on.

"Sorry," Reid blushed slightly realizing he was rambling again, "You were saying."

"I learned so much," J.J. said unsure of if he would let her tell him only the good and leave out the bad and hard lessons from her past.

"Such as?" Reid pushed slightly hoping he wasn't making J.J. more uncomfortable than she already had to be.

"Well I learned self respect, and how to take care of myself… I also know how to ride a horse, repel down a mountain, rock climb, I learned how to canoe and kayak," She paused for a moment pulling her long blonde hair into a ponytail, smiling briefly at all the things she had been able to learn, "I learned how to trust people, how to build a fire, how to chop wood, how to express myself, and take pride in my abilities."

"So you learned alot," Reid turned his head in time to catch a fleeting look in her eyes which he could only assume was pride at all the things she had accomplished as Shelby.

"Says the man with six different degrees and three soon to be four doctorates," J.J. joked forgetting about the hole in her heart for a little while, "I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for Horizon… J.J. wouldn't be possible."

"I think J.J is great, you know that," Reid said hesitantly.

"But?" J.J. asked hearing the implied but in his voice.

"But unless you reconnect with Shelby and Silver and work through whatever it is you don't want to tell us J.J. might fall apart and believe me when I say that would be a shame," Reid said sincerely looking over at her for just a brief moment glad she was looking away so she couldn't see him blush.

"So I take it you had Garcia pull my rap sheet," J.J. stated solemnly looking back into the backseat at Reid's messenger bag, sure that her file was in there, "I may not be a profiler but…" She trailed off before reality smacked her in the face, "Have you read it?"

"I'm not sure it's my place, I was just, r-really curious after we talked to Mama, J.J. I know you'll talk when you're ready, it's just…" Reid fumbled hoping J.J. wouldn't think he didn't trust her, even with everything that had happened since they arrived in Seattle, he trusted her with his life.

"Spence I just, I just really don't want you to see that part of my life, any of… Oh God! Garcia!" J.J. shouted realizing she needed to get a hold of her best friend before she talked to the team, "Pull over!"

_Meanwhile in Seattle, Washington_

"Wonderful Wizard of Tech how can I help you?" Garcia asked in her typical cheeky tone.

"You're on speaker Baby Girl," Morgan chuckled as he pressed the small button on the side of his phone.

"What can I do for you hot stuff?" She asked cracking her fingers getting ready to look up whatever they needed.

"I need anything you can give me on a Jessica Merrick," Morgan asked looking up from the phone to the rest of the team, they were tired and had been busy all day trying to figure out what else the girls had in common.

"You know when you don't call all day it hurts a girls feelings, but I'll see what I can find," She said as the team heard her fingers go to work, "That's odd."

"What is?" Hotch asked curious to what the tech had found on one if not both he Merrick sisters.

"Well I've got several things here, including a police report, apparently Jess and her older sister Shelby had filed claims against their stepfather which were later dropped. Also a mention of her in an article praising a wilderness therapy school by the name of Mount Horizon, then nothing until her rap sheet begins. Numerous busts for drug possession and prostitution, Her street name was Sapphire," Garcia said still staring at the picture on her computer screen back at Quantico.

"So what's the odd thing," Morgan asked suddenly wondering if Garcia knew what was really going on, "Wait baby girl have you talked to J.J. today?"

"Not yet but that is part of what's odd," Garcia said pulling up the file Reid had asked for earlier, "Is she not with you?"

"No, she and Reid went to take care of a personal matter," Hotch said realizing that J.J. would probably want Garcia at the service as well, "So what did you find that was odd Garcia?"

"Reid asked me to look up the rap sheet for a Silver Merrick earlier and though this Jess a.k.a Sapphire looks a lot like J.J. this Silver chick is a dead ringer, except the eyes look way sadder than our J.J."

The team stood quietly each looking around wondering what they should say knowing how close J.J. and Garcia were.

"Garcia, send over all the files you have on the Merrick sisters including addresses, and then I need you to get here as quickly as possible," Hotch said looking up at the team hoping he was doing the right thing.

"Is this is about J.J.?" Garcia asked hating the idea of J.J. and Silver being the same person.

"We'll explain when you get here Baby Girl," Morgan said in a less playful tone than usual, as he thought about how down right mean he'd been with J.J. that morning.

"Garcia out," Garcia said hanging up the phone as she continued to stare at the photos on her screen, wishing for once that she hadn't answered her phone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: See chapter one!**

**A/N: Sorry this took so long I'm in the process of moving out of state yet again! It also took longer because I wanted to get this chapter just right! To address a few things I do know that J.J. is ooc. That is on purpose, Shelby is strong and hard because she has to be. The lines between J.J. and Shelby are starting to blur and the only way she feels she can protect herself is to keep everything locked away. I hope that makes sense! She isn't heartless and everything will catch up with her in a very angsty way I promise. **

**Enjoy!**

Mount Horizon High School, Outskirts of Agnes, Washington

J.J. sat with her eyes fixed on her cell phone willing it with her mind to ring.

"Still no answer?" Reid asked taking his eyes off the road for a moment.

J.J. shook her head before looking out the window at a small wooden sign that read 'Mount Horizon 1 Mile'.

"I guess she's busy working the case," J.J. said softly her mind slowly drifting to another time.

"_This is going to be home for awhile Shelby," A stern faced man with slightly graying hair said as he opened the back door of his BMW. _

"_Fuck you," The thin blond spat as she got out hating the way her very short skirt allowed her legs to rub freely against the expensive leather. _

"_I'm just trying to do what's right… the way you were living, you're my daughter, how could I just…" The man trailed off his piercing blue eyes obviously sad, as he took in the girl in front of him. _

_She didn't answer him, instead she held out her arms to the black man standing next to the man who had once been her father, "Get these the fuck off of me!"_

_The man looked down at her before pulling out a knife and cutting the restraints. She hated feeling so exposed and as soon as her hands were free she immediately brought them up to her chest, crossing her arms so her track marks were covered._

"J.J.?" Reid asked leaning against the open passenger side door as he looked down at his friend who was just staring into space, "J.J.!"

"What Spence?" She asked in a huff shaking her head free of her past.

"A-are you ok?" He stuttered slightly as he took a step back from the car giving her room to get out.

"I am totally fine," She said a little louder than she meant to as she grabbed the bag by her feet.

"You better not let Peter here you say that," A deep raspy voice called from somewhere behind Reid.

"Scott?" J.J. asked as she got out of the car and moved around Reid to get a better look at the tall blond whose voice brought back so many memories, both good and bad.

"Hey little girl lost," He joked running a large hand through is hair.

"Little girl lost?" She asked with attitude as she took in how different her first real boyfriend looked.

"It's something Ezra started calling you after you disappeared," Scott said with a sad look on his face, "Whose your friend Shel?"

"Oh sorry," J.J. said shaking away more intrusive thoughts of her past, "Scott Barringer, SSA Dr. Spencer Reid."

"J-just Spencer is fine," Reid smiled shyly as he shook the much larger mans hand.

"Wait Spencer Reid, thee Dr. Spencer Reid? I've read your papers on behavioral science," Scott said with a large smile on his face before turning to look at J.J., "I thought Peter was joking when he said you were with the F.B.I."

"I'm glad you think so highly of me," She said sarcastically with a large smile on her face.

"Come on Shel, who in their right mind would give you a gun?" Scott joked easily knowing that this might be as lighthearted as it got during the upcoming week.

"J.J. is actually one of the b-best shots in the BAU," Reid said in defense of his friend.

"I have no doubt about that," Scott smiled at the thin doctor who he though in all honesty looked more like a college T.A. than a F.B.I. agent, "With her rage though…"

"That's enough you," She said throwing him a playful evil eye.

"Sorry Shel," Scott smiled glad that they had both grown enough that their reunion wasn't horribly awkward.

"It's fine I could make a joke about your job but for some reason this is exactly where I thought I'd find you," J.J. smiled finally closing the door to the SUV.

"Thanks I think?" Scott asked unsure if she was being sarcastic.

"You were always better at helping people and sorting out feelings than I was, so this place is perfect for you," She smiled softly as she kept her tears locked up inside.

"Should we go inside?" Reid asked unsure of what he was feeling about the obviously tender moment J.J. and Scott were having.

"Yeah Peter told me to find him as soon as you got here," Scott smiled and motioned for the two agents to follow him into the administration cabin.

"Unless you want them to lose a delinquent and us to lose a car I suggest you lock it," J.J. said to Spencer who quickly locked the car with a beep before following the two blonds into the building in front of them.

"_Shelby you can't keep this inside forever," Peter said running a hand through his dirty brown hair in frustration._

"_I've dealt with worse," The blond spat bitterly as she forced herself to be cruel to someone she cared about, "You can't fix this, you don't know shit!"_

"_Keep using language like that and you'll be on shuns," He said as he came around from his desk to sit in the chair next to the fuming teen, "If you just open up Shel I can help, CPS can help, we can help you and We can help Jess."_

"_I'll take care of Jess and I'll take care of myself it's the only thing I've ever been reasonably good at," She said as she gathered her books and stormed out of the office ever careful to keep her mounting tears inside._

"_They'll never understand," She whispered to herself once she was out in the fresh spring air, "Scott didn't, no one else will."_

"Here we go," Scott said softly outside of an office marked Director.

J.J. shook her head trying to erase the painful images from her head, "Aren't you going to knock?"

"I thought you might want to," Scott said before lowering his head in apparent shame, "He and Jess never gave up on you, they always knew you'd come home."

They stood in an awkward silence for a moment, each trying to find a way to make things less difficult.

"I didn't want to be found, this isn't your fault," J.J. said firmly hoping to ease Scott's guilt as she knocked on the door in front of her.

"Come in," A familiar voice called from behind the door.

"Oh Captain my Captain," J.J. said in as strong of a voice as she could muster.

Peter quickly looked up from the files on his desk a look of shock and joy clear on his face.

"Took you long enough," He smiled as he came around his desk and drew the young agent into a brief hug.

Scott had entered the room right behind J.J. as Reid watched from the door feeling like a voyeur who had no right to see such intimate moments.

"What can I say?" J.J. joked as Peter released her from the hug.

"I hate to deliver and run but I have group with the Ridge Runners in ten minutes," Scott said with a smile as her remembered what J.J. had said about his career, how she somehow knew he would be at Horizon.

"Thanks Scott, we'll see you at O'Brian's later," Peter said putting one hand up to stifle J.J.'s argument, "It's your first night back and the food here hasn't improved much over the years."

"7:30?" Scott offered as he headed towards the door.

"Sounds great, let Sophie know," Peter smiled his gaze briefly meeting the lanky F.B.I. agent.

"Will do, later Shel," Scott said before he disappeared.

"How are you holding up?" Peter asked as he motioned for her to sit in one of the many chairs he had spread thought his office, "And don't lie to me."

"I'm fine Peter, scouts honor," J.J. joked as she looked around until her eyes met Reid's, who was still in the doorway.

"You know how I feel about that four letter word Shel," Peter smiled slightly as he tried to match the girl he remembered to the woman in front of him.

"It's been almost ten years you could have changed your mind," J.J. joked as she jerked her head motioning for Reid to enter the room.

"Whose your friend Shel?" Peter asked as Reid inched closer to the man J.J. had sung the praises of on the drive up.

"I'm Dr. Spencer Reid, b-b-but you c-c-an just call me Spencer," Reid spat out more nervous than he thought he would be.

"The profiler," Peter mused before extending his hand, "I'm Peter Scarbrow, just call me Peter, we're very casual around here. Please sit."

Peter pulled a chair next to J.J's and motioned for the lanky profiler to sit.

"J.J. speaks v-very highly of you," Reid said his nerves easing slightly.

"J.J.?" Peter asked looking at the girl he had always known as Shelby.

"That's who I am now Peter, S.S.A. Jennifer Anne Jareau Behavioral Analysis Unit F.B.I.," J.J. said sadly as she realized how much she could lose once this week was over.

"A profiler?" Peter asked with curiosity and a hint of pride.

"No just the unit Liaison, I deal with press and the local police departments," J.J. said quickly trying to minimize her role as much as possible, that way when everything got ruined it wouldn't hurt quite as much.

"J.J. could be a profiler if she wanted to," Reid stepped in curious as to why J.J. was putting herself down in front of someone whose opinion obviously mattered to her.

"With an I.Q. of 157 I'd imagine so," Peter smiled just as his phone began ringing, "Give me just a minute."

"You're I.Q. is 157?" Reid whispered in an irritated voice.

"Can we talk about this later?" J.J. asked equally irritated that the lies she told were quickly coming back to bite her.

"Sorry about that, Sophie's on her way," Peter smiled as he watched a worried look spread across J.J.'s face.

"Did she sound mad?" J.J. asked nervously tapping her fingers on her knees.

"I'm not mad," The short built blond answered rubbing her slightly puffy eyes as she walked through the office door making a B-line for J.J., "Just a little peeved that you took so long to come home."

"I was busy Sophie," J.J. joked as she stood up and allowed the woman to pull her into a hug.

"I'm just glad you're safe," Sophie said as a few tears escaped her eyes and ran into J.J.'s hair.

Sophie pulled out of the hug and pulled up a chair as Peter quickly introduced Sophie to Reid.

"So that's how you found her?" Sophie asked bluntly as she wiped a few straggling tears from her face, "Through the case you're working?"

"We can talk about this later Soph," Peter said patting his obviously distraught wife's hand.

"It had to have been bad for you to give yourself up," Sophie said trying to hold back her tears as she looked at the stone faced woman in front of her.

"I wasn't on the run Sophie," J.J. said in an irritated voice as she focused most of her energy on keeping her walls up.

"I know Shel," Sophie said with a small watery smile, "But it was bad wasn't it? We all know, well maybe not him," She said tilting her head towards Reid, "But the rest of us know if it hadn't been bad you would've walked away."

The room was silent for several minutes before J.J. gave up a small and ashamed head nodded.

"That's enough for now," Peter said more firmly before turning to look at J.J. and Reid, "I've arranged for you and your team if they decide to join us to stay in the old Cliffhanger Girl's cabin while you're here."

"Peter we can…" J.J. started before changing her mind, "Thank you Peter."

"Good, lets get your bags checked and then you guys can rest before dinner," Peter smiled and stood motioning for them to follow him, "We can start going over arrangements then."

"Sounds like a plan," J.J. joked as she looked over at Reid who was being uncharacteristically quiet.

"Let's go get your bags checked and get you settled," Peter smiled as he led the way out of the office. He could cry later he thought to himself, right now he had to be strong for Sophie and for the rest of his makeshift family.

Reid watched J.J. carefully as they headed from the office to the S.U.V. she seemed as if she were sleep walking, he was worried and wondered if he should tell Hotch. This hadn't been the first time she had been right in front of him yet so far away and he was sure that it could only get worse from here on out.

As they neared the front of the administration building J.J. caught a glimpse of herself in one of the large windows. The reflection was angry and younger, clad in a leather miniskirt and a tube top, J.J. looked away from the angry girl's accusing stare and couldn't help but feel like a failure.


	10. Chapter 10

**Authors Note: Thank you for the amazing reviews that saved this story! I know this chapter is short but chapter 11 should be out by next week.** Disclaimer: Still in chapter one I promise! :D

_Seattle PD, Seattle, Washington_

"Penelope we need to know what's in that file," Hotch said sternly though he wasn't really sure he was anywhere ready to know the extent of what his friend and coworker had been hiding.

"No, Boss man," Garcia said clutching the manila folder to her chest, "I gave you Jessica Merrick's file and that will have to be enough."

"Garcia there could be information in there to help us find the man who murdered J.J.'s sister and six other women," Morgan said from his seat in the makeshift office the police department had set up for Garcia to work her techy magic.

"I've read the file and there isn't brown sugar," Garcia said in an abnormally stern voice as she looked around at each member of the team that was still working the case, "My answer is no."

"Garcia please, all we want to do is help J.J. and get justice for her sister and the other women," Prentiss said softly patting Garcia gently on the arm like she would a distraught victim.

"There is nothing in this file that can help," Garcia sat silent for a moment trying to think of the right way to phrase what needed to be said, "This isn't like Chicago."

"Don't worry about Chicago, Baby Girl," Morgan smiled though she could clearly see the hurt hiding in the depths of his eyes.

"I do this can't be another Chicago, J.J. isn't in legal trouble," Garcia said quickly and huffed before continuing, "J.J. is my best friend, this team is like my family and I won't let her get hurt like we hurt you," She said looking at Morgan, tears threatening her to fill her eyes, "This is J.J.'s business and she'll tell us, I know she will."

"We have work to do," Hotch said as he turned to the door slight grateful for Garcia's stubbornness, in all honesty the last thing he wanted was a repeat of what they had been forced to bring up in Chicago.

"Hotch, we might need that file," Rossi said standing up and following his boss out the door and back to the conference room.

"We need to trust Garcia," Hotch said as the team minus Garcia filed in around the work table which was covered in boxes and maps, "Besides we're profilers the number one thing we need to crack this is a profile and that we've already got. Ok Morgan where are we on connecting threads?"

As the profilers were busy in the other room Garcia quickly shred the offensive file. With each paper that disappeared from the seemingly never ending file Garcia could feel the smile slowly returning to her face. It was as if by destroying the evidence of J.J.'S past life she could somehow make it untrue.

_Beep Beep._

Garcia stopped shredding for a moment and stuck a large fuzzy pencil into her messy blonde hair-do as she checked the results for the search Morgan had her run.

Between the long flight and lack of sleep since getting to the police station, Garcia was surprised gravity and tiredness didn't trip her up as she ran to the room her team was in to share what she had found.

"Call me a tech savvy mastermind," She smiled slightly out of breath as she reached the room.

"What do you have for us Baby Girl?" Morgan asked before taking a sip of something similar to tar that only came from police station coffee pots.

"Hope for the Hopeless Homeless Shelter ring any bells?" Garcia asked her breath returning to normal.

"That's the shelter around the corner right?" Morgan asked amazed he was still on his feet after the amount of work they'd crammed in since they arrived the day before.

"Our seven victims all spent some time there over the last year," Garcia said matter-o-factly, "All seven had enrolled themselves in a program at the shelter to help the girls get clean and get off drugs."

"Your search pulled up all that?" Emily asked slightly afraid of what Garcia could find out about her if she really wanted to.

"They have testimonials posted online of the girls in the trial run of the program," Garcia said a slight frown gracing her features, "Unfortunately as it seems each girl returned to drugs and the street making the program a failure."

"Ok, Garcia I want you to run background checks on all the staff at the shelter, Emily I want you and Rossi to give the profile to some of the working girls and see if that sounds like anyone they know," Hotch looked over at Morgan who was already putting on his jacket, "Morgan and I are going to pay a little visit to the shelter."

With that the team scattered to their respective assignments.

Garcia sat playing with the rainbow hair of one of her trolls as her search engines processed all the information needed to find the baddie.

"Oracle of Quantico presently residing in Seattle, speak if you seek truth," Garcia smiled placing her troll down on the desk.

"Hey Pen," J.J. said from the other side of the phone.

"You have a lot of explaining to do missy," Garcia joked trying to make things a little less tense.

"It's a long story Garcia and I'm not really alone at the moment, I was just calling to um," J.J. paused tucking a strand of her lose blonde hair behind her ear, feeling more nervous now than she had in a very long time, "You didn't show the others did you?"

"Of course not J.J. you're my best friend," Garcia said with faux hurt in her voice.

"I don't need you to do me any big favors I understand," J.J. said with a bitter edge feeling a little bit of Shelby slip out.

"Don't be silly J.J. I've read the file and though I don't get it, I get it," Garcia said in a tone more serious than J.J. had heard out of her in a very long time, "Some times things happen, we make mistakes, we have to disappear, or be threatened, but some how we all end up at the BAU."

"You're right," J.J. laughed remembering the C.I.A. case they worked and how Garcia was on a "list" and could not enter the C.I.A. building.

"J.J. this doesn't change how I feel about you sugar booger," Garcia smiled realizing that it was the truth, "If anything I love you more now, you're so strong J.J."

"Just a dumb kid in a bad situation," J.J. said feeling more like herself.

"Don't sell…" Before Garcia could finish that statement her computer beeped with the first round of staff for the team to go through, "I think we have a lead I need to go."

"It's ok I'll talk to you soon," J.J. said and hung up the phone both frustrated and confused yet happy about Garcia's reaction.

Garcia typed so fast on her keyboard a few of her fuchsia nails were chipped in the process.

"Morgan," Morgan said as he answered his phone not bothering to look at the caller id.

"I've got something for you Chocolate Thunder," Garcia smiled as she stared at her computer screen almost certain she had found the monster that had murdered her best friend's sister.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer is still in chapter one!**

**A/N: Sorry about taking so long I moved from Texas to L.A. and then back to Texas and I've been working two jobs so my story had to be halted for a little bit, but I'm back now with new chapters!**

**I'd love it if you responded I promise it makes me smile! Enjoy!**

Mount Horizon High School, Agnes Washington

"Are you sure we're going the right direction?" Morgan asked tapping the GPS which didn't even register a Mount Horizon on its map.

"Mount Horizon 1 mile ahead," Hotch read out loud causing Garcia to stifle a giggle.

"How did she sound when you talked to her this morning?" Emily asked from the back seat where her and Garcia had been watching the men folk argue over directions for four hours.

"She sounded like J.J.," Hotch said as the car bumped slightly heading off the road and onto what appeared to be a large gravel driveway, "When we get there I don't want anyone pressuring her to talk until we've had a chance to feel out this situation."

The car was filled with the slight sound of heads nodding.

"There's our boy genius," Garcia smiled as they pulled next to another black SUV and parked in front a large cabin like building marked administration.

"Where's J.J.?" Hotch asked as he got out of the car surprised that the two of them weren't together.

"She's chopping wood," Reid said with a slight smile, as each of his team members gave him a 'you've got to be kidding me look', "I was helping her but she thought it might be safer if I come and look out for you guys."

"You chopped wood?" Morgan asked unable to hold back a laugh.

"He actually wasn't too bad," J.J. smiled as she pulled off her work gloves and joined the group.

"J.J.!" Garcia shrieked in pure excitement as she ran over and threw her arms around her friend.

"Garcia… I… can't… breathe," J.J. choked out between gasps of air.

"Sorry kitten," Garcia smiled in an awe shucks fashion until she looked at J.J.'s suddenly pale face, "What's wrong?"

_The closet was cramped too cramped for a ten year old to try and squeeze herself inside._

_"Shelby?" a male voice called from somewhere outside the closet, "You're too old for these games kitten."_

_"Please don't find me, please don't find me," She whispered breathlessly as she pushed a tiny strand of blonde hair behind her ear, hoping beyond hope God heard her tiny prayer._

_"Kitten daddy needs you," The slimy voice whispered again his house shoes gently tapping the laundry basket beside the bed, "Not in there."_

_His laugh sent shivers down her spine and she knew with out a shadow of a doubt that he was toying with her that he knew exactly where she was. As this thought left her mind as if on cue the slimy voiced man opened the closet door and extended his hand, "There's my girl, there's my beautiful girl."_

_She took his hand grudgingly and became dead weight forcing him to drag her out of the closet._

_"Always so stubborn," He smiled wickedly, "Maybe Jess could be daddy's little Kitten."_

_She pulled her hand out of his, got off the floor, and walked silently over to the bed his hand slowly inching down her back, "Now that's a good girl."_

"Lets get you guys all settled and introduced and then I feel like kicking Morgan's butt in rock climbing is in order," J.J. smiled as best she could as she ignored the worried looks her team was giving her.

"You wish," Morgan, joked glad to see that J.J. didn't seem to be holding his nasty comments against him.

"You'd be rather surprised by some of the crazy things J.J. knows how to do," Reid said as he pushed a strand of hair behind his ear.

"For some reason that doesn't surprise me at all," Hotch said watching J.J. closely as the group headed off to find Peter.

As they walked J.J. couldn't help but be glad that her team was treating her like they normally would.

The day had gone by quickly and by the time they had finished with getting settled and relaxing it was almost time for dinner.

"You wish it was just bad footing, I beat you fair and square," J.J. boasted playfully as the team made their way from the rock-climbing wall back to the dorm.

"Just you wait," Morgan teased glad that now he had someone to go to the gym with when they got back to Quantico.

"It was nice of Rossi to stay behind to finish the paperwork," J.J. said with a small smile remembering the mountain of paperwork she had to fill out the day before. She had never known planning a funeral could be so stressful.

"I didn't think you'd have the nerve to show up here after what you did," A tall brunette said from the front porch of the cabin they were staying in.

"I didn't think you'd be pregnant so I guess we both got a surprise," J.J. smirked taking a few steps toward the building as the brunette walked to meet her halfway, "How are you doing Dais?"

"How am I doing? How do you think I'm doing, you stupid Bitch?" Daisy screamed as she slapped J.J. across the face.

"M'am you just assaulted a federal officer," Emily spoke up even though they all seemed stunned by what was happening.

"It's fine Emily, I had that one coming," J.J. said turning from the still fuming women to face her team who all wore a similar shocked expression, "Daisy."

"Don't you dare smile at me," Daisy spat and raised her hand to smack J.J. again.

"I understand that you're angry Dais," J.J. started grabbing her old friends arm and holding it firmly, "I understand you are hormonal and sad… now understand this, if you try to hit me again I will give you a bitch slap so hard you'll go into early labor."

"Scott said you were so different now," Daisy said with a smug look on her face as J.J. released her arm, "None of us really change that much."

"I noticed," J.J. said slightly bitter at her friends attitude, "So who knocked you up?"

"My husband," Daisy said still fuming as the door to the dorm opened revealing a frail looking brunette with a large smile plastered on her face.

"Shelby!" The thin brunette yelled in excitement before jogging over to where the group stood.

"Jules?" J.J. asked noticing how different yet exactly the same Juliette looked.

"Yep," Juliette smiled shyly this time as she went in for a quick hug.

"Excuse me," Garcia smiled timidly putting her hand up in the air behind the three women, "I'm kind of confused."

"Oh yeah sorry," J.J. started turning a little red from embarrassment, "Guys this is Juliette Waybourne and Daisy Friedkin? Graves? Libinowski?"

"Actually it's Dr. Daisy Barringer now," Daisy said confidentially and utterly unapologetic for slapping J.J.

"Wait where's Ezra?" J.J. asked before she completely understood, "Wait! You married my ex-boyfriend?"

"I think you might need to go pop some popcorn Brown Sugar," Garcia whispered to Morgan, "This is about to get good."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: This Chapter picks up on Wednesday evening exactly where the last chapter left off. Thanks for the reviews and I hope you enjoy!**

**P.S.: This is a weird sort of chapter I think but it helps set up the next few chapters so I hope you enjoy it and that it does it's job.**

**P.P.S.: If this chapter sucks please let me know and I will redo it. So please respond both good and bad. **

* * *

_Mount Horizon High School, Agnes, Washington_

"I think ex-boyfriend is the key word in that accusation," Daisy said smugly before adding more seriously, "Someone had to clean up the mess you left... It just happened."

"It just happened?" J.J. scoffed as she rolled her eyes.

"Shelby a lot of things happened after you left," Juliette jumped in, "I think Peter wants us all in group after dinner, maybe you two should just go to your corners till then."

"I'm going to kill Scott," J.J. said in a huff before heading off to the dorm leaving Juliette, Daisy, and her team behind her.

J.J. gathered her stuff quickly and headed straight to the shower hoping to wash the grime and frustration off of her.

"This is never going to work," J.J. whispered to herself as she dried off and began getting dressed, "Why the hell did I ask them to come?"

J.J. took a large breath before opening the door and facing not only her team but Juliette as well.

"I don't want to talk about it," She said effectively cutting off Emily who was sitting on the end of Garcia's bed.

"Like that's ever worked before," Juliette looked up from unpacking her suitcase.

"Bite me Queenie," J.J. said briefly slipping back into Shelby before realizing what she said, "Sorry Jules."

"It's not like you've never attacked me for no reason before," Juliette said quietly her voice seeming slightly scratchier than J.J. remembered.

J.J. walked past each teammate refusing to look at them as she made her way over to Juliette's bed.

"Jules," She said softly looking Juliette directly in the eyes, "I'm sorry that I ever made up that stupid nickname. I had no right to treat you the way I did."

"Wow," Was all Juliette said for a minute, "Scott was right; the Shelby I knew was incapable of apologizing."

"We all had to grow up Jules," J.J. smiled before turning around and involving everyone else in their conversation, "Well you did say you wanted to learn more about how Horizon worked Spence."

"What do you mean?" Reid asked nervously as he got his things ready for a quick shower.

"Group after dinner," J.J. said with a small sadistic smile, "It doesn't matter if you're staff or a visitor, if group gets called you have to go."

"Wait, group therapy?" Morgan asked hesitantly.

"After dinner," J.J. said as she sat back down on her bed and started pulling on her socks and shoes, "Here we aren't F.B.I. agents, we're just people."

"F.B.I.? I thought Peter and Scott were joking," Juliette said as she pulled off her bulky sweater revealing a small black tank-top which clung to her almost sickly frame.

"Why is that so hard to believe?" J.J. crossed her arms defensively.

"Because the Shelby I knew should never I mean never ever be allowed to carry a gun," Juliette laughed looking at the look on J.J.'s teammates face.

"Thanks Jules," J.J. laughed realizing that she would have to prove that she'd really changed.

One by one everyone showered and changed and then headed to the cafeteria for dinner.

"That wasn't so awful," Morgan smiled rubbing his stomach as he and the group passed a group of girls who couldn't help but blush and giggle at him.

"He's got to be kidding," Juliette chuckled in unbelief through her nauseas.

"He was on a S.W.A.T. team for years," Hotch said with a rare smile.

"And those guys will eat anything," Emily joked throwing a playful smile at Morgan who was glaring at her.

"Hey guys take a seat anywhere in the circle," Peter smiled as the large group came into the main lodge.

"This is gonna be fun," Morgan said sarcastically. Out of the team he and J.J. disliked department mandated therapy sessions the most.

"It's not that bad," J.J. said as she took the seat across from him.

"Ok gang tonight we're just going to do a simple introduction and then free discussion," Peter started with a large warm smile on his face, "Hopefully if we get everything aired tonight we won't have any more screaming matches in front of the students."

J.J. and Daisy quickly looked at each other and then turned away and waited for Peter to start again.

"Just your name, where you're originally from, and something real about yourself," Peter said making sure to look at each and every person in the group, "This isn't mandatory but I hope everyone will participate. I want you to be really honest and open up, something you normally wouldn't talk about or tell others."

After a few grumbles and other unpleasant sounds Peter began, "I'll start us off. Peter Scarborough, I'm from New York, and my rock bottom was when I woke up in an alley in Seattle with no memory of the previous week and cuts and bruises all over my body."

As soon as Peter finished he looked to his right and Sophie began, "Sophie Becker-Scarborough, I'm from Michigan, and when I see pregnant teens I get angry I want to scream because I know that most of them don't want something I would die to have."

"Juliette Waybourne," Juliette began before taking a deep breath, "I'm from Colorado, and I'm terrified that my two beautiful daughters will grow up hating their bodies because of how much I hate mine."

"Auggie would never let that happen," Sophie said as she pulled a crying Juliette close to her and motioned with her head for Scott to continue.

"Scott Barringer," Scott said as his hands fidgeted making him look less confidant than he had earlier in the day, "I'm originally from California, and I was sexually abused by my stepmother as a teen and to this day my father has never truly forgiven me for breaking up his marriage."

Daisy squeezed her husband's hand supportively before her turn, "Daisy Barringer, I hail from Utah, and I'm beyond terrified that I'll become an alcoholic like my parents and ruin our daughters' lives and that they'll end up at Horizon."

"My name is Jennifer Jearau," J.J. said looking at her hands, "I'm from Pennsylvania, and I'm afraid that I'll never meet a man that I can trust with all of myself."

"Jennifer Jearau?" Daisy asked causing J.J. to look up.

"Damnit," J.J. cursed before beginning again, "My name is Shelby Merrick, I'm from Washington, and… I know that nothing I will ever do or anyone I could ever help will make up for the things I've done, especially the things that hurt the people I love."

"It's hard to balance two separate lives isn't it Shel," Peter said hoping she'd understand that she had to combine both of parts of herself if she ever wanted to fully live.

Shelby simply shrugged and then turned towards Reid who looked horribly nervous.

"Do we have to get that personal?" He asked as he pulled his arms tightly around himself.

"This is meant to not only be an introduction but a trust exercise, all we ask is that you push yourself to be who you really are," Sophie smiled at the young doctor.

"Ok. I'm Spencer Reid, I'm from Nevada, and," Reid paused and took a deep breath forcing himself to find something to share, "A-and everyone morning I w-wake up and wonder if this is the day I start to become like my mother. I'm t-terrified that I might start hearing voices and that I won't be able to help people anymore."

"That was good Spence," J.J. smiled and lightly patted his hand reassuringly.

"I'm Penelope Garcia, I'm from Virginia, and hmm," Garcia paused and suddenly got a large smile on her face, "And I'm secretly thrilled that I'm not only on a watch list for the F.B.I. but also the C.I.A."

"Aaron Hotchner, I'm from Virginia, and I'm afraid that if I spank my son I won't be able to stop and I'll turn into my father," Hotch said looking straight at Peter refusing to look at what he could only assume to be pity filled glances from his team.

"Emily Prentiss," Emily said before forcing herself to blink back tears, "I'm from Washington D.C., and now that I'm almost too old to have children and have no prospects I hate myself even more for having an abortion when I was 16."

"This is complete bull," Morgan said bitterly when it was finally his turn.

"What's so awful about sharing a piece of yourself?" Peter asked looking directly at Morgan, though to Morgan it felt as if he could see through him.

"I was 15 and a star football player when my stepmother started forcing me to have sex with her," Scott said causing Morgan to look over at him, "My dad told me that I should've and could've stopped her if I wanted to but the thing is that I was so scared and ashamed of what was happening that I froze and even though I was stronger I couldn't stop a woman who weighed 110lbs from raping me."

"What does that have to do with this?" Morgan asked remembering the shame he felt as a teen and hating how easily Scott could talk about what he'd been through.

"That's my darkest, dirtiest, secret," Scott said refusing to give in to the weakness he was feeling, "This is about being honest with yourself, with others, and letting out things that might be eating at you. Like Peter said you don't have to do this but it might help."

"Fine," Morgan said feeling defeated, "Derek Morgan, Illinois, and…. And, damnit…. When I was a teen my mentor and football coach, he," Morgan faltered before his voice dropped to just above a whisper, "he… he uh, sexually abused me."

The room was silent for a long time as everyone digested each secret that was revealed.

"That was really good everyone. It's a hard thing to open yourself up, but everyone rose to the challenge and I'm really proud of all of us," Peter said when the silence became overwhelming, "Now if there are any beefs that need to be squashed or questions you want answered now is the time to take care of that. The only rules we have are be honest and be respectful."

"How did she die?" Juliette asked not waiting for Peter to choose someone to go first, "How did you know?"

J.J. took a deep breath and then forced herself to keep her tears inside as she spoke, "We were working a case in Seattle, our unsub was targeting prostitutes, she was just lying there, cold, she was so cold."

"Did she suffer?" Daisy asked as she clutched onto Scott's hand for dear life.

"Yes," J.J. said before putting her head down.

"This particular unsub, raped, then carved a message into the stomach of his victim before finally slitting their throat," Reid said without thinking, talking just like he would if he were delivering a profile.

"Seriously Reid?" Morgan scolded as Juliette and Sophie began sobbing.

"Sorry," Reid said awkwardly and pulled himself closer wishing he had just kept his mouth shut.

"Where is Ezra?" J.J. asked fearfully before remembering how angry she was about Jess, "And why the Fuck was my sister selling her body for money? I left her with you Peter, how did this happen?"

"Shelby watch the language," Sophie said before Daisy interrupted.

"Don't you dare blame him!" Daisy shouted before gaining control of her emotions, "This is your fault not his."

"I did what I thought was best for her," J.J. said defending herself though at the moment she felt like if they wanted to take her outback and shoot her they'd have every right.

"After everything she'd been through?" Daisy shouted again before Peter started.

"Jess was raped by a friend her freshman year of college, with that and everything that happened before she got here she fell apart. She started using drugs, she dropped out of school, she came and stayed here for awhile but her spirit was too broken I think," Peter put his head down for a moment before continuing, "She ran away one night and we didn't hear from her for a year, when we did she was using constantly and felt she wasn't worth more than being a prostitute. We tried for years Shel, all of us tried, to help her get clean to help her move on but all she really wanted was you."

"What happened to you?" Scott asked near tears, "We all needed you, especially after Ezra died."

"Ezra's dead?" J.J. asked though what she feared had been confirmed.

"I needed you Shel," Daisy said less bitterly than she'd been before, "What happened to you?"

"I left for Jess as dumb as that seems now," J.J. took in a ragged breath but refused to cry, "I just wanted to give her a better life, I wanted both of us to be able to live."

"Well that didn't work out so well," Daisy said without looking at J.J. afraid that if she did she'd start to cry.

"Not so much," J.J. said looking at her team who looked equal parts horrified and sympathetic.

With that Peter called the group to close knowing without a shadow of a doubt that things were about to get a lot worse for J.J. and everyone else before they got better.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: This chapter is later on the following night and is a slight lemon but not really. I warn you now that it might get a little uncomfortable but is necessary. I repeat this is not graphic and is more emotional than anything else. I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think. **

_Mount Horizon_**  
**

Reid woke up in a slight frenzy his mind still drifting back to his dream about a waterfall as he shuffled to the bathroom. Curls fell around his face as he stared at his feet trying to concentrate on anything other than his overwhelming need to go. He opened the wooden door and then quickly closed it behind himself again heading straight to the nearest stall.

"The door was closed for a reason," J.J. said making Reid jump just as he finished relieving himself.

"J.J.?" Reid asked in a tired voice as he flushed the toilet and headed for the sink, "S-sorry I just had to go."

"It's ok," She said from her place on the floor as she watched him rush through washing his hands, "I don't mind the company."

Reid turned around pulling his arms tightly around his body as he took in his comrade. She was sitting in a towel on the bathroom floor with wet hair, her eyes looked tired and slightly puffy as if it was taking everything she had not to cry.

He quickly looked away both in embarrassment and an almost certain knowledge that J.J. wouldn't want him to see her that way. _'Though she said she didn't mind the company, and she looks like she might cry.' _He thought to himself as he tried to decide whether or not to leave or try and comfort his friend.

"Will you sit with me Spencer?" J.J. asked throwing Reid for another loop, she never called him Spencer.

Reid looked between J.J. and the door for a few more seconds before going against his better judgment and sliding down the wall next to her.

"A-are you ok?" He stammered out his question quietly as he forced himself to look over at her. He was more than uncomfortable with the idea of J.J. in a towel next to him.

Ignoring his question J.J. carefully inched closer to him before resting her head on his shoulder.

"You always smell so… good," She said slowly as she nestled her head against his neck.

"We s-should b-both probably h-head back to b-bed," Reid spat out quickly trying to ignore how good it felt to have J.J.'s head rubbing against his neck.

"I can't sleep Spencer," She said in an almost whine making sure her breath tickled his Adam's apple.

The sensation of her breath on his neck made him shiver as he fought to stay in control of his brain. _'Something's not right with her,' _He thought trying to keep his body from responding to the hand she had placed on his chest.

"J.J. I r-really think," He began before she brought a finger up to his lips.

"You think too much," She said in a voice he was certain he had never heard her use before. It was seductively low and so much smoother than the one she normally spoke.

They sat in silence for a little while; J.J. breathing steadily hot breaths across Reid's neck as he tried to force himself to believe her mere touch didn't make him feel less than civil.

J.J. moved again, slowly making sure each motion was precise. He could feel her hand moving from his chest to his stomach through his F.B.I. t-shirt.

"Tell me what you want," She said in a seductive whisper, her steamy breath tickling at Reid's earlobe.

"This isn't a g-good idea," Reid said in a shaky voice as he made a weak attempt to lean forward.

"Just tell me what you want," J.J. moved her head again so it rested on is neck which instant followed his head back against the wall.

Reid didn't say anything his brain temporarily shutting off against his will at the touch of her lips lightly covering his neck.

"I think I know what you want," She smiled into his neck as she began rubbing slow and deliberate circles on his stomach. Reid accidentally let out a groan as he desperately tried to fight the feeling her hand so high on his stomach was giving him.

"That's what I thought," J.J. whispered into his ear again before taking the lobe into her mouth.

"Feels good doesn't it," She said in that same tone and inched her hand just a little bit closer to his belly button as Reid involuntarily let out another moan.

"We should s-s…" Reid started getting a hold of himself for just a brief moment.

"I know what you want," She said with a slight playful edge in her voice as she took her hand off of his stomach and grabbed one oh his hands instead.

Reid had had his eyes closed for the last few moments but opened them quickly when his hand touched something round and J.J. gasped.

"J.J. T-this is a r-really b-bad idea," He said trying to pull his hand away.

"Come on Spencer," She smiled as she leaned closer to him forcing one of her exposed breasts back into his hand.

Reid looked up from his hand and into J.J.'s eyes. He could feel his own eye's growing wider as he looked into her piercing blue ones. There was something in them, something he was sure that could tell him why she was acting so strangely. At first all he could see was what he could only assume to be lust burning on the surface but just underneath that he was sure he saw anger and possibly sadness.

"Spencer I know what you want," She said again quickly looking away from his knowing eyes her confidence faltering for just a minute. When he didn't say anything she slowly took her hand off his wrist and placed it back over his t-shirt. She smiled when he didn't take his hand off of her and quickly moved her hand down his stomach until she was at the waistband of his pajama bottoms.

"I can make you feel so good," She breathed against his ear again before placing kisses along his jaw line always careful to avoid his mouth.

Reid sat light like a deer caught in blinding headlights as her mouth roamed his neck and ear. He wasn't sure what he wanted or why he had even come into the bathroom that was the power she had over him in that moment.

Reid moaned softly as her hand found it's way inside his pants and lightly gripped the top of one of his thighs.

"I knew it," She smiled against his neck as she massaged his thigh being careful not to touch him where she was certain he wanted her too. She nuzzled her nose against his throat softly moving it back and forth listening to his breaths become more labored.

She moved her mouth slowly up his jaw line again before whispering in his ear, "I knew it's what you wanted… it's what they always want."

'_They?' _Reid thought snapping his mind out of the trance her touches had put him in.

"What do you mean they?" He asked removing his hand from her breast.

J.J. stopped rubbing for a minute and looked up at him confusion clear on her face.

"Just relax Spencer," J.J. recovered putting on her most seductive smile and began massaging his leg again.

"No!" He said as firmly as he could as he grabbed her hand and pulled it from his pants forcing himself to think past how badly his body wanted her to keep touching him. He had to compel his mind to see beyond the lust and think like a profiler.

"Excuse me?" She asked her voice filled with venom as she wrapped the towel back around herself.

"J.J. I really d-don't think you w-want to do this," Reid said noticing the anger in her eyes come full front with what he could only imagine as hurt behind them.

"Not anymore," She said rather loudly suddenly so angry and confused she wanted to scream, "I was trying to help you, Fuck it's not like the girls just come running to you like they do Morgan."

"I'm just trying to help," Reid said pretending like her words hadn't hurt him.

J.J. stood up quickly pulling the towel tighter around her body as she marched towards the door, "Get out!"

Reid looked at her for a moment with confusion before she spoke again.

"I said get out!" She screamed her blonde hair whipping around her face as she moved her head from facing the door to Reid.

Reid quickly stood up and walked towards her his brain quickly trying to process not only what had changed in the last minute or so but what had happened since he entered the bathroom.

"J.J. let me help you," He said with surprising confidence as she opened the door.

"For a genius you're acting like an idiot!" She yelled throwing him a death glare as she pushed him out of the door, "What part of get the Fuck out is so hard for you to understand?"

With in a second of screaming the door was slammed shut in Reid's face. Before he could think of what to do the door in front of him locked as an awkward cough came from behind him.

"Reid?" Hotch asked placing a hand on the young man's shoulder when he didn't turn around when Morgan coughed.

Reid slowly turned around hugging himself close before looking up to see everyone awake and staring at him.

"What was that?" Morgan asked as Prentiss quickly got out of bed and made her way over to the bathroom door and knocking on it.

"J.J.?" She asked tucking some of her raven hair behind an ear. Before she could knock again she heard the shower turn on behind the door.

"That's her fourth shower today," Reid said softly coming out of the shock that J.J.'s odd behavior threw him into.

"That's normal," Juliette shook her head as she pulled her thin legs under her, "For her at least."

"What the hell is going on?" Morgan asked as Reid took a seat at the end of Garcia's bed, which just happened to be next to the bathroom door.

Reid just sat for a moment thinking over what had transpired between him and his good friend over and over again.

"Reid what happened in the bathroom?" Hotch asked his voice slightly softer than usual.

"I have no clue," Reid said honestly before trying to explain what he did know, "She wanted… I mean we…"

"Did you two have sex?" Garcia asked bluntly just as curious as everyone else.

"No," Reid looked up quickly before looking down again feeling rather embarrassed.

"That explains a lot," Juliette said earning the attention of everyone in the room.

"I'm sorry but I'm really confused," Prentiss said heading back towards her own bed.

"Me too," Reid laughed tiredly sure that everyone with the exception of J.J.'s old classmate was thoroughly confused.

"Juliette was it?" Morgan asked looking over at the tiny brunette. She simply nodded her head and waited for him to continue, "Would you mind explaining what that was?"

"That," She said pointing between Reid and the bathroom door, "Was typical Shelby."

"Can you break that down a little bit more cupcake?" Garcia asked trying to understand what would make her sweet J.J. scream those awful things at Reid.

"She tried to seduce you?" Juliette asked looking at Reid who simply nodded his head and blushed, "And you refused?"

Reid nodded again his blush getting deeper.

"That's what Shelby does. When she first came to Horizon she slept with almost every guy that was willing and would get really pissed if they turned her down," Juliette said thinking back to the times the blonde had tried to steal both the men she cared about.

"It's a coping mechanism," Reid said in the same voice he used while delivering a profile, knowing that he needed to distance his J.J. and Juliette's Shelby in his mind, "The stress of her two worlds colliding, of her sisters death…"

"What did she say in there?" Morgan asked in full profiler mode the thought of sleep long forgotten.

The young profiler looked down at his hands for a moment trying to see past his own embarrassment and see how this would help J.J., "She kept asking me to tell her what I wanted, She said 'I know what you want', just relax, I can make you feel so good," He paused for a moment and turned scarlet before continuing, "She kept calling me Spencer."

"She was trying to distance herself," Prentiss jumped in, "She didn't want it to be J.J. trying to seduce you but Shelby."

"How do you know that?" Juliette asked honestly curious.

"J.J. always calls him Spence or Reid if she's angry never Spencer," Hotch explained feeling slightly guilty they were profiling a member of their team, "By calling him something out of the norm she can separate herself from the actions."

"What aren't you telling us Reid?" Morgan asked looking over at his friend who was currently curled in on himself thinking.

"She said they," Reid said unsure if it was the right thing to do, "She said it's what they always want."

"They?" Garcia asked through a yawn.

Reid nodded, "When I asked her what she meant by they she sort of snapped out of it, she was J.J. again for a second."

"She slipped up," Prentiss mused out loud not noticing the lack of water running in the background.

"I'm not an unsub," J.J. said coldly from the now open doorway her hair dripping wet and her pajama's on.

"We know Kitten," Garcia said noticing how J.J. seemed to shrink away at her seemingly innocent statement, "We're just worried."

"Please don't," She said bitterly hearing someone call her kitten. J.J. shook her head and warmed up a little bit trying to remember their J.J., "I mean I'm sorry for my outburst and for what I pulled in the bathroom Spence."

Reid looked up and over at her at the sound of her nickname for him, "I'm just worried about you J.J. … That was not you."

"I know and I'm sorry I don't know what came over me," J.J. smiled a meek uncomfortable smile, "I think I'm just really tired and stressed from all the planning, and from seeing Daisy and everything else."

"That's understandable J.J.," Hotch started before turning to look at the clearly upset blonde, "But we can't help if you don't talk to us."

"Can we just go to bed?" J.J. asked before trying to calculate the easiest way to get out of this uncomfortable mess she'd gotten herself in, "I promise we can talk tomorrow, just the team, I'm just really exhausted right now."

"That's fine," Hotch said before turning to face the entire room, "We still have a few more hours to sleep."

With that everyone headed back to his or her bed each thoroughly confused and sleepy.

When six rolled around the team slowly woke up to the sound of water running and an empty bed with J.J.'s purse sitting on it.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I want to thank everyone who's reviewed so far. All of you rock out loud! **

**I also wanted to thank you guys for your support in the last chapter, that was my first time ever writing something that could be considered provocative or risky and I was rather nervous. Keep reading and reviewing and I will keep on writing. **

**P.S.: For those who are curious the funeral is on Friday which is about two or three chapters away.**

**Enjoy!**

_Mount Horizon_

"I'm never going to make it through this weekend," J.J. whispered to herself as she let only a few tears fall away into the warm water coming from the shower head.

"_What the fuck did I tell you about showering right after you used!" The small blonde and pink haired girl yelled as she shook her friend awake and turned off the ice cold water._

"_Get the fuck off Pats," The thin blonde said weakly jerking her arm away as she tried and failed to push herself off the floor of the shower stall._

"_Shelby you're gonna drowned if you keep doing this," Patty said as she tried again to get her friend out._

"_Let me drowned," She said softly as she slumped back over, "It doesn't really matter Patty."_

"_Shelby Merrick you get your ass up right now and get ready," Patty shouted and jerked her friend to a somewhat sitting position, "We have to work tonight or else we don't eat."_

"_What's the point?" She said as she allowed her friend to pull her to her feet and help her to the bed, "We aren't gonna get out of this alive."_

"_Maybe not but at least we'll have survived which is more than most can say," Patty smiled as she brushed her friends hair and covered her track marks, getting her ready for the long night on the streets._

"Damn it Patty," J.J. whispered as she shut off the water and began getting ready for her day, "So much for surviving."

"You're going to miss breakfast," Juliette called as she knocked on the door with her small fist.

"I'm not really hungry," Shelby said as she opened the door surprising Juliette who wasn't expecting her to be ready.

"That doesn't work for me so it's definitely not going to work for you," Juliette teased as she walked passed J.J. into the bathroom and began putting on makeup.

"You're sick," J.J. said before realizing it, "I mean..."

"They let you talk to the media?" Juliette laughed as she began applying blush to her pale gaunt cheeks.

"Scary thought I know," J.J. smiled as she stood in the doorway and watched her old group mate, "I'm usually more subtle and smooth."

"I believe it," Juliette said before putting down her blush and picking up her lipstick, "I am sick."

Juliette looked over at J.J. as she twisted the glossy melon color out of the tube, "I'm trying really hard though… for the girls and for Auggie, and for myself."

"What happened Jules?" J.J. asked as she adjusted her gun holster nervously torn between the truths of her two worlds.

"A lot," Juliette mumbled as she began twisting and pinning her brittle mahogany hair.

"Daisy isn't going to tell me, things between Scott and I are a little awkward right now, and Peter and Sophie always want us to settle things between ourselves," J.J. took a slight step forward causing Juliette to look from the mirror towards her, "Please."

Juliette huffed for a minute as she finished her hair and then took a seat on the bathroom floor, "We've done pretty fairly with holding our lives together."

J.J. took a seat next to Juliette extending a supportive hand to her once enemy.

"I don't know how we're all holding it together with losing Jess but we are," Juliette pushed tears back and continued, "Kat married Hank, they run a wilderness program in Idaho… that's why they couldn't come."

"That's not a big shocker," J.J. joked and looked up from her hands to Juliette who let a small smile slip through.

"No not really," Juliette said before continuing, "Ezra, Daisy, and Scott all went to some college in Seattle. Scott dropped out their sophomore year to play for the Seattle Seahawks."

"I remember," J.J. smiled at the memory of watching him play on the big screen in the student union of her school.

"Ezra and Daisy got an apartment together, Ezra proposed their junior year. Everything was so great for them, they were both almost finished with school… if it hadn't been for David Ezra would still be here, joking and goofing off."

"David?" J.J. asked bitterly, she had never liked David; he had always been a slimy jerk in her book.

"He started selling drugs after he graduated, both of his parents kicked him out," Juliette rolled her eyes in both anger and annoyance, "Anyways, Ezra had went looking for his parents, his real parents, they ended up being assholes, he and David started hanging out more, Daisy got mad because she knew they were using. I got the call he was gone on a Sunday, apparently Daisy gave him back his ring the Thursday before and headed up here. Peter and Sophie talked her out of just calling everything off, they wanted to confront him and get him help. Peter drove her back Saturday afternoon and when they got there David was passed out in the living room and Ezra was in the bathroom. He OD on a barbiturate of some sort, I'm not really sure what."

"Oh my God," J.J. said unsure of what else she could say besides, "No wonder Daisy hates me."

"She hates David more if that helps," Juliette said with a sad smile, "He wanted to be buried at Hope Falls, the Friedkin's came and for once they didn't argue."

"That's good," J.J. pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "But how did Daisy and Scott end up together?"

"After you left Scott was a mess," Juliette looked over at J.J. guiltily before looking away and continuing, "He got a lot of scholarship offers but he stayed in Seattle for you, hoping you'd come back. Daisy and Ezra looked after him and they all got really close, and after Ezra died Scott came back to take care of Daisy who was an absolute mess. After a couple years they started dating and then three years ago they got married."

"And they're happy?" J.J. asked unable to shake how much the two had hated each other in high school.

"I know everyone thought you and Scott and Daisy and Ezra were soul mates but I don't," Juliette grinned as she thought of her best friends large belly, "They are perfect for each other beyond whatever the two of you had… no offense."

"None taken, I'm just glad they're happy," J.J. lied wishing she had someone.

"Me too, Daisy has been a really good friend to me, suprisingly" Juliette said before her smile faltered as she look over at a confused J.J., "I guess it's my turn now."

"It would help me get a handle on things," J.J. said playfully as she leaned slightly into Juliette's bony shoulder.

"Auggie and I went to USC together, It's kind of funny how we all ended up together, anyway he was studying art and I was majoring in education, "Juliette sighed as she pulled her purse onto her lap and pulled out her wallet, showing J.J. the pictures of her family, "I love my daughters so much… I just hate that Auggie and I have to rely on my mom so much."

"What happened Jules? J.J. asked for what felt like the hundredth time that morning.

"I got pregnant with Anita halfway through the spring semester of our senior year," Juliette smiled and pointed to the taller of the two girls in the picture, both of whom had a slightly lighter version of Auggie's skin color and Juliette's beautiful smile. "We got our degrees and then moved to Oakland to be close to his parents. Auggie took a job at a local garage, we just couldn't afford for him to be a painter full time… we could barely afford anything."

"That's how your mom got her claws into you again?" J.J. asked bitterly, no matter how much she had disliked Juliette she had always hated that woman more.

"Yep, she gives us a generous monthly allowance and has put us in her will as long as I don't marry Auggie," Juliette saw the growing question mark on J.J.'s face and continued, "It doesn't make much sense to us either, but we need the money Shel, we have a 6 year old and a 3 year old, and I haven't been able to really hold a steady teaching gig because of my eating disorder."

"You had that under control when we graduated, I don't get it," J.J. said honestly as she lightly traced the faces of the little girls in the picture in her hands.

"After Aurora was born I just got so depressed, Auggie was afraid to leave me alone with the girls and with that and my mom and Jess I just relapsed bad. It's been like an uphill battle ever since," Juliette said hanging her head in shame.

"Jess?" J.J. looked over at Juliette with hope and fear in her eyes.

"She came to stay with us right after Aurora was born," Juliette said as she pointed to the little girl with the large pink bow in her hair, "But we caught her with heroin in the house and we had to kick her out; I can't have that shit in my house when I'm already such a bad role model for my girls."

"I really fucked up didn't I," J.J. said sadly as she thought of her sister shooting herself up in Auggie's bathroom.

"You did your part, but so did she," Juliette tried to comfort but couldn't find much to say except, "I think it was the baby that finally pushed her over the edge."

"Jess had a baby?" J.J. held back tears thinking at how wrong everything had gone.

"She got knocked up by a john last year. She used and drank until she realized she was pregnant. When she finally figured it out she came up here and stayed with Daisy and Scott, cleaned herself up, but it was too late… she gave birth to him at 7 months and the baby was stillborn, she named him Ezra Peter Merrick… he's at Hope Falls too," Juliette said as she wiped away a few stray tear and quickly opened her compact to check that her makeup was still in place.

"She would have been a great mom," J.J. said sadly before standing up and offering a hand to Juliette, "Let's go eat; I don't think I can handle anymore right now."

"How the fuck am I supposed to eat after that?" Juliette asked as she got up off the floor, "Can we just go smoke down by the docks instead?"

"I'll come sit with you, but I'm not much of a smoker these days," J.J. smiled thinking that the last cigarette she'd had was at Horizon with the Cliffhanger girls.

"The girl who screwed the delivery man for a carton doesn't smoke?" Juliette laughed as the two walked into the fresh mountain air.

"I know, crazy," J.J. laughed as the two of them headed towards the docks.

As the sun began to drift behind a cloud her mind took her back to Patty and Jess and the others she loved that had lost their lives trying to survive.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Sorry about how late this chapter has been I have just had the craziest time lately. I promise to keep writing if you continue to keep reading and reviewing; again sorry for the delay.

A/N2: This chapter is a fillerish chapter that sort of shows a shift in J.J.'s character and is a set up for the more angsty chapters to come. Hope you enjoy!

_Mount Horizon, Agnes Washington_

"To think after Sophie and Peter did everything they could Daisy still ended up working with the dead," J.J. laughed as she and Juliette pulled into the Horizon parking lot.

"The county hadn't had a steady medical examiner for a few years before Daisy stepped up, besides we all knew from day one that the dead were her calling," Juliette smiled as she looked up and saw Reid waiting for J.J. like a puppy, "He's adorable."

"Not today," J.J. said solemnly as she started grabbing bags from the seat behind her, "Today he's a nuisance."

"Shel the boy is hung up on you," Juliette bent down by her feet to pick up the bags on the floor, "When was the last time you went on a date, not just sex but an actual date?"

"We are not having this conversation," J.J. huffed as she opened the driver's side door hoping in vain that Reid might be waiting for someone else, "Shouldn't you be in the library all comfy with a stack of books?"

"J.J. you've been avoiding me all day," Reid stood up from the steps of the admin building as J.J. and Juliette got out of the car their arms filled with bags, "Here let me help."

"Reid I've just been busy," J.J. lied as she ducked past him ignoring his offer, even though she knew he wouldn't take the hint and leave, "Jess got into Agnes this morning, Daisy and her assistant are doing the finishing touches on her for tomorrow, I had to get clothes for everyone for the weekend, and we needed to pick up the flowers for the service."

"Here Shel I'll take these in," Juliette smiled and walked in front of J.J. stopping her in her tracks, "You two need to talk."

"Seriously Jules?" J.J. shouted as Juliette's dark locks turned the corner to the trail that lead to the dorms, "I don't want to talk about last night Reid."

"We still need to talk," Reid said sweetly and motioned with his head towards the path to the docks, "Please?"

J.J. nodded refusing to look him in the eyes as they started down the path in silence.

"This is one of the most visually stunning places I've ever been," Reid smiled an awkward smile as he sat on the edge of one of the docks, his smile shrinking slightly as J.J. sat down next to him.

"Reid…" J.J. looked at her hands as she thought, more ashamed of herself with each second of silence that passed between them.

Reid looked out over the water too nervous to look at J.J., his mismatched socks showing from under his pant legs contrasting not only each other but the wood of the docks as well, "Last n-night you were s-someone else… you w-were cruel, aggressive, you refused to listen, and you called me Spencer, and it scared me. I was afraid for you, that I'd lost you… I m-mean that we'd lost you."

"Spence," J.J. started as she briefly looked over at Reid who was now looking at her with large knowing eyes. Even though she had said she didn't want to talk about what had happened she knew that they both had things they had to get out if they were going to move forward.

"J.J. you're my best friend, I trust you with my life," Reid pulled his knees close to his body and continued, "I know you trust me and that you still need time. I just don't want you to think you're going through this alone."

"I am," J.J. said softly and pushed back the tears that were forming at the thought of losing Reid and the team after they found out what she'd done.

"No you're not," Reid said in a stronger voice forcing her to look at him again.

"I've always dealt with things on my own," J.J. said in a tired voice before looking back at her hands and then out over the water, "I've always been cold and strong because that's what I had to be."

"J.J. the only thing you have to be is you," Reid said tilting his head to look over at J.J. again curious as to what might be running through her head.

"You and I both know that's not true," J.J. said as she watched a flock of birds pass over the lake.

"You're the most compassionate person I've ever met," Reid said unsure of what else to say.

"J.J. is not me, none of you know me, I don't even know me," J.J. said, hidden irritation piercing through her calm façade with each word she spoke, "Peter, Sophie, Scott, Daisy, Jules… Not a single person knows what I am, what I've done, where I've been. I've hurt people Spence, I've done awful things! Damn it! My own mother hates me and you're trying to tell me I'm not alone?"

"I know the person you've become and I'd like to know who you were," Reid said trying as hard as he could to not analyze everything she said and just do his best to be a friend, "As long as you have us you'll never be alone."

"That's the thing though isn't it?" J.J. said looking over at Reid her gaze far away as if she was lost somewhere in her mind, "I won't have any of you for much longer, no job, no family, and no friends."

"J.J. we won't leave you," Reid looked down at his hands nervously and then wrapped his arms around his knees making his body even more compact, "I w-won't leave you."

"I've actually heard that before, or Shelby has," J.J. said angrily as she felt another of her walls fall, "It was a lie."

"You talk about her like she's not a part of who you are," Reid laughed awkwardly choosing not to address J.J.'s apparent disbelief in how much the team not only counted on her but loved her.

"They told me to become a phoenix," J.J. said softly her anger melting as she thought back on the last time she'd seen her father, "So that's what I did."

"The phoenix, a mythical bird that dies in a fiery blaze of glory only to be reborn from the ashes," Reid pondered out loud.

"J.J.'s my favorite," She said with a small smile as she thought about how much better her life had been since she'd become J.J. .

"What?" Reid asked looking back from his feet to J.J. who was pushing a small section of hair behind her ear her vulnerability in the moment clear.

"Out of all the people I've been J.J.'s my favorite," J.J. said calmly as she tucked her legs underneath her, "Shelby was cruel, Silver was tired, and then there's J.J. who is the most compassionate person you've ever met."

"I thought you said I didn't know you," Reid said with a slight smile glad to hear a little more light in J.J.'s voice.

"You don't, not as a whole but you know J.J.," She said as she stole a quick glance at Reid.

"J.J. you can't just section off parts of yourself," Reid said as he searched her large blue eyes for an answer, "You can't just stop being one and start being another, there's always crossover."

"I did it for years, Spence, so why can't I do it now?" J.J. asked sadness clear in her voice.

"Because that's just not the way it works," Reid said apologetically wishing he had a fact or statistic that somehow made it just a little bit easier.

"I remember being Shelby," J.J. said after awhile unable to keep her mouth shut no matter what her brain said, "I remember the exact moment I became J.J., the moment I buried Shelby so deep in the back of the darkest corner I could find Spence, and now… and now I can't keep her in her box anymore, the walls that I built, the ones that kept her away, I can feel them slipping. I can feel her and Silver each fighting for a piece of me each fighting to be heard and my walls just keep falling one at a time and I can't stop them. It's like Pandora's Box, the moment I saw Jess so cold and exposed my box opened and everything started coming out, everything that J.J. built started falling apart, everything I have is falling apart."

"You remember what was in the bottom of the box, what was in the back corner, don't you?" Reid smiled as he thought of Pandora and J.J. .

"Hope," J.J. said softly, "Jess was my hope; she was going to be better than I ever was, she..."

"J.J.," Reid stopped afraid he would just make things worse.

"Spence," J.J. paused waiting for Reid to look at her before she continued, "Do you ever think of Georgia?"

"S-sometimes," Reid said quickly before noticing the smirk on J.J.'s face, "What?"

"I hit a nerve," J.J. said matter-o-factly, "You only trip over your words when you're really nervous or uncomfortable, or when you're too excited and are trying to say too many things at once."

"I think about Georgia a lot," Reid admitted though he was curious why J.J. brought it up.

"I think about it too," J.J. said as she looked back down at her hands preparing herself to jump into uncharted waters, "I think about those dogs and about watching you die…"

"J.J. that was not your fault, I'm the one who decided to split up," Reid interrupted remembering J.J. beating herself up right after the team found him kneeling over Tobias Hankle's dead body.

"I remember looking through Tobias's life and relating with him, Shelby or the part of me that is Shelby or was… I don't know I just understood him so well," J.J. said her voice filled with shame and confusion as she made a point to not look at Reid.

"It's our job to understand the unsub," Reid offered though he knew exactly what she meant.

"Being in that house broke something in me Spence," J.J. tried to explain, "Ever since we found Jess I haven't been able to stop thinking about Tobias, about the Dilaudid, about blood trickling from your forehead, about how sad you looked with only one sock on as you limped away from his body."

Reid just sat and thought for a moment trying to understand what J.J. was trying to say to him.

"It was too much," J.J. said barely above a whisper her voice filled with tears though none fell from her eyes, "I know that you guys think I'm not reacting properly, that I'm not crying like Juliette, or overly angry like Daisy, or working through it maturely like Peter or Sophie or Scott."

"Everyone grieves differently though there are certain steps th…You know about the Dilaudid," Reid said surprised by how surprised he felt knowing that J.J. knew.

"It takes one to know one," J.J. said softly looking over at Reid once again, studying his reaction, "Those days and nights we spent in Georgia trying to find you, watching you suffer, those nights Shelby got loose for the first time and I locked her back up but now she just comes and goes as she pleases… I can't be that girl again, I can't be Shelby and I definitely can't be Silver."

"What was it for you?" Reid asked finding himself more surprised and more willing to stay by J.J.'s side than ever before.

"Crank at first, but then somewhere along the way heroin became what got me through," J.J. admitted as she watched a group heading back from a day hike on the mountain closest to the lake, "I have 4326 days one day at a time."

"That's nearly twelve years," Reid said instantly amazed at how strong a person J.J. had to be to have walked away from something as strong as heroin.

"This morning while Juliette and I were out I dropped her off at a store and drove around until I found someone who looked like they were selling," J.J. stopped and took a deep breath hating how out of control she felt, "I sat in the car for an hour just watching him, go about his business just wishing I could do something to fix this… I do have feelings Spence I just can't break down, I can't be weak, and being angry seems silly considering."

"Using can't fix this," Reid said worried as J.J. reached into her pocket, "If anything using any sort of drug right now would just make things worse, it could cripple you."

"That's why I called the operator and got the number for the local Narcotics Anonymous meetings," J.J. shrugged hating how even with nearly twelve years of sobriety she could still feel like a junkie if too much pressure fell on her.

Reid exhaled the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding as he read the paper she had handed him, "Its tonight."

"I know we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow but I was wondering if you might want to go with me," J.J. said feeling as small and useless as she did when she was Shelby, "I wasn't going to go earlier, but I know this urge will just get worse…"

"I think that's the best idea I've heard all day," Reid smiled as he folded the note up and put it in his pocket, the dinner bell ringing in the distance.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

A/N: I've decided to try and finish this story. The reviews and response has been wonderful and I'm sorry it took me so long to start up again.

_Agnes, Washington_

"Do you want my hair-tie?" J.J. asked Reid as everyone took a seat at a large table at the only Chinese restaurant around.

Morgan busted out laughing as Reid blushed causing the rest of the team to laugh and Peter and the Mount Horizon crew who share confused looks.

"Did we miss something?" Sophie asked as she waved over Daisy who smelled like death as she waddled towards the table.

"Sorry for the smell after I left the funeral home, the police needed me to go to the morgue and examine a body," Daisy ignored the several displeased looks she was getting from her makeshift family, "Before you say anything, I know I'm on maternity leave, but I wore a mask and mostly dictated to my assistant, not that he's very skilled with a scalpel. Now what was everyone laughing about?"

"That's what we were confused about," Peter smiled looking over at Morgan who had laughed the loudest and longest.

"Just Reid's inability to feed himself with chopsticks," Morgan cracked a large smile remembering New York and Reid asking the waitress for a fork.

"We can't all be as perfect as you Brown Sugar," Garcia joked in between sips of her drink.

"I know it's got to be hard Baby Girl," Morgan said saucily causing the waitress who had just arrived at their table to blush.

"Can I take your orders?" The middle aged Asian asked holding up her pen and pad of paper.

"Could you come back in a few minutes?" J.J. asked in a sweet yet firm tone letting the woman know not to ask for anyone else's order.

"Is everything ok J.J.?" Hotch asked his slight smile reverting back into its typical stern line.

"Before we eat I think we should go over the next couple of days," J.J. said in the voice she usually reserved for the teams daily briefs.

"Sounds good Shel," Peter smiled as he and Sophie held hands both proud to see how far their Shelby had come yet nervous of how the next couple days would play out, "What did you have in mind?"

"First Jules," J.J. said looking over at her thin friend who was sipping a diet coke.

"What about me?" Juliette asked with attitude as she began tapping her fingers against the table nervously.

"I need you to eat a full dinner tonight, breakfast tomorrow, and keep up with snacks throughout the day, without that promise and some sort of accountability set up I can't in good conscience let you make the hike to Hope Falls," J.J. said as smoothly as she could using the tricks she'd perfected over the years dealing with the media.

"Can't let me, who made you boss?" Juliette asked furiously, "You have no right…"

"It's important to me that you're there, and Peter told me to organize so I did," J.J. said trying to keep a level head, "I'm worried about you Jules, you haven't eaten much today and that hike may not be Dog's Peak but it's tough enough."

"Jules Shelby's right," Peter said taking Juliette's hand for a moment to reassure and comfort her, "Can you make that promise and keep it?"

"I can try," Juliette said after a moment of serious thought knowing how hard yet important this weekend was going to be, and how much she wanted to be there, "Sophie will you keep me accountable for not purging?"

"Yes," Sophie smiled before looking over at J.J. signaling for her to move on to the next thing on her mental check list.

J.J. nodded back a silent thank you to both of them before continuing, "Ok Tomorrow is going to be a long day, we leave at first light which means we need to be up by 4:30, have things packed and breakfast eaten by 5:30 so we can do double checks and leave by 6:00. We're going to take the lake to where it opens up to the river and then once we get off the water we have a long hike ahead of us, Everyone needs to pack extra jugs of water and make sure they stay hydrated, we'll stop as often as someone needs to but my hope is that we'll be at Hope Falls by noon, one o'clock by the very latest. Once we get there group one which consist of Juliette, Derek, Emily, Hotch, and Reid will set up camp while group two which is Peter, Scott, Sophie and Myself stay and get things ready for the service. At 5:oopm the helicopter will arrive with Jess accompanied by Daisy and Penelope, after the service group two will stay and finish things up at the plot, while group one goes and starts dinner and finishes setting up for the night, the next morning we'll clean up, pack up, and start heading back hopefully by 8:00am. Any questions?"

The entire table looked at J.J. with a mixture of shock and awe for a moment before Morgan spoke up, "Damn J.J. you are efficient."

"I learned from the best," J.J. smirked as she looked over at Peter and Sophie.

"You must have the Media shaking in their boots," Scott joked as he rubbed his wife's belly.

"On a daily basis," J.J. joked as Hotch waved the waitress back over to take their orders.

"Now that that's taken care of who's hungry?" Hotch asked with a rare smile.

The group talked and joked as they ate, with Reid sprouting off statistics and facts about serial killers as Morgan told a tale or two from the field and Daisy and Scott retold stories of their time at Horizon including the infamous birthday cake incident. Everyone laughed and ate and shared until it was time for Scott, Peter, and Juliette to head to their meetings.

"Hey where are you three off too?" Morgan asked as he took a sip of his beer.

"We've got meetings to go to," Juliette said with a sad smile as she looked down at her nearly empty plate.

"Are you coming Shel?" Scott asked as he shrugged into his jacket.

The entire table was silent as J.J. and Reid stood up, "We both are," She smiled though inside she felt as if she had given Reid's secret away to the team, "If that's ok."

"The more the merrier," Peter smirked at being right at pegging Reid as an addict.

"What sort of meeting?" Garcia asked not quite thinking.

"I'm going to the Eating Disorders Anonymous meeting," Juliette said refusing to touch her very full stomach or think of how much better she'd feel if she ran to the restroom instead of the meeting.

"We're going to the Narcotics Anonymous meeting," Peter offered with a proud smile, then offered with a laugh, "This town is so small that they lump all the meetings on one night."

"We won't be out late," J.J. offered before quickly adding, "We all need to get plenty of sleep tonight we have a really early start," With that J.J. headed towards the door with Reid right behind her followed by the other three.

"The words J.J. and narcotics do not compute," Garcia said looking at her stunned friends, even though she'd read Silver's file she still couldn't picture her J.J. ever being that person.

Reid sighed a breath of relief as he finished telling the circle about his brief addiction to Dilaudid.

J.J. took a deep breath and gathered what courage she could to open her mouth, "Hi my name is J… my name is Shelby and I'm a heroin addict and a crank addict."

"Hi Shelby," The group offered and then allowed her to continue.

When J.J. didn't say anything Reid though unsure grabbed her hand impulsively and gave it a soft comforting squeeze causing J.J.'s mouth to open again, "The last Meeting I went to was four years ago, so go easy on me. I have nearly 12 years clean one day at a time. Today I had almost talked myself into using again when I thought better of it and found a meeting." As she spoke J.J. realized that Reid was her small bit of Hope at the bottom of Pandora's Box.

"So what made today so much harder to resist than other days you've had?" The group leader asked leaning forward sure he had seen this same girl 12 years prior in this same group.

"Well," J.J paused trying to figure out exactly what she could say and what she couldn't wanting desperately to keep her walls up, "Tomorrow I have to burry my baby sister," She said as calmly as she could refusing to look at any of her companions.

"And what brought you to a meeting four years ago?" The man asked curiously, in his experience people who had the length of sobriety that Shelby did either went to meetings every week or only under great stress.

"I'm an F.B.I. agent," J.J. began slowly trying to get her exact thoughts out, "I have seen devastation after devastation, and none of it got to me… until I nearly had to burry one of my own, until I had to watch someone that I care about literally die in front of me, come back, and then I was forced to watch them struggle with what had happened and not be able to help." J.J. looked at Reid briefly and then her eyes flashed to Scott he heart hurting for all the pain she had put the ones she loved through, "I was so tired I had to go."


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

A/N: This is sort of a filler chapter, hope you enjoy.

_Woods between Mount Horizon and Hope Falls, Agnes, Washington_

"I owe you an apology," J.J. said as pulled her canteen away from her lips.

"I think we both have a lot of things we could apologize for," Scott smiled trying to decide if he liked special agent Jerau more than his Shelby.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, and that I left you alone with a broken heart," J.J. stared at her hands hating how open she felt, how vulnerable.

"At least I know you didn't leave because of me," Scott nervously played with his wedding band as he watched the rest of the group pull themselves together.

"I didn't say no because of you either," J.J. looked up for a moment knowing Scott deserved more than talking to the bottom of her head, "Not entirely."

"Why did you say no Shel?" Scott asked forcing himself to stare into J.J.'s sharp blue eyes.

"Because I was leaving… and because I didn't think I could show you all of myself," J.J. said quietly as Morgan and Reid walked past them.

"Did you find someone you could share all of yourself with?" Scott's hands trembled as he resisted the urge to cup her cheeks in them.

"I thought I did but I ended up chickening out," J.J. said as she thought back on the pregnancy scare and how heartbroken Will sounded when she told him to stop calling.

"Did you love him?" He knew her better than most and the way she tilted her head just slightly gave him more of an answer than her words.

"I thought I did," J.J. said solemnly Will's Cajun accent clear in her mind.

"What about Spencer?" Scott asked tilting his head towards the thin agent who was watching them from his seat on a fallen branch.

"Spence?" J.J. blushed ever so slightly giving herself away, "He's one of my friends that's all."

"Shel I loved you so much it hurt," Scott started giving into his urge and placing one hand on her warm cheek, "But Daisy is my world and I want you to find that. I want you to be braver than you've ever been and give happiness a chance."

"We need to get going," J.J. whispered as she stepped away from Scott raising her voice so the whole group could hear her, "I hope everyone feels refreshed because we still have a little ways to go."

Scott stood and watched as J.J. walked over to Reid and helped him get his backpack back in order.

"Do you mind if I walk with you?" Reid asked pushing his wavy locks behind his ears.

"Sure," J.J. smiled trying to erase Scott's implication from her mind, "You can help me with the map."

"I do enjoy a good map," Reid joked happy that even though J.J. didn't really need his help she still wanted his company.

"How bad are things going to get?" Hotch asked Peter as the two men watched from some distance behind J.J. and Reid.

"By now things should already be unpleasant so hopefully it won't be as bad as you think," Peter smiled as he adjusted his backpack.

"The F.B.I. teaches you to be cool under pressure," Hotch said trying to find the right way to phrase his next statement, "But there's a limit and I think she's getting closer to reaching it with each step we take."

"The night is always darkest before dawn and if your J.J. let's my Shelby loose than this is promising to be a nasty sort of darkness," Peter whispered knowing there was nothing he or Hotch could do to stop the frenzy that was sure to ensue.

"Scott's a nice guy," Reid said unsure of how to ask what he wanted.

"We were talking about our senior Morp nosy," J.J. laughed as she crossed a fallen log, "Bad Step!"

"Bad Step!" Reid yelled nearly tripping, "Was it fun?"

"It was emotional," J.J. said feeling the tiredness of the approaching afternoon settle on her for the first time that morning.

"What happened?" Reid asked noticing the change in J.J.'s body.

"He asked me to marry him." J.J. spoke softly as a gentle rumble in the distance let her know that they were nearly there.


End file.
